Auld Lang Syne

So the year, and the decade, is drawing to a close, and I am glad.

I find myself reflecting on the past year with a mixture of emotion that is somewhat overwhelming. In 2009:

I rolled a car in the mountains.
I remembered having been sexually molested by my own brother.
I was rejected by the family I grew up with.
My husband almost died.
I tried to kill myself not once, but twice.
I spent a week in a psych ward (we called it the wacky shack), trying to keep myself alive.
I passed over 100 kidney stones.

and on the flip side:

I learned through intense pain and sorrow what really matters to me.
I learned that there are a precious few people in my life who will stand by me though the fires of hell may rain down upon me and demons may threaten to swallow me with their ghastly jowls agape about me.
I learned that people I thought really cared about me just didn't care that much, and people who were relative strangers to me cared enough to be my heroes.
I learned that my husband and children are more sweet and priceless than any treasure, and rather than throw my life away in the depths of my sorrow I want to give my life to them.
I remembered that the only way to find myself is to walk with my Savior. He is my friend and my guide. He is so kind and good, and he just doesn't judge or condemn in any way. He just takes me by the hand and gently leads me along. How cool is that, anyway?

I sat in the emergency room for 6 hours last night with my husband. He fell on the ice and ended up with a concussion. I was just so worried about him. All I can do is be grateful.

At the end of the year - at the end of this really crazy and mixed up year, all I can do is be grateful. When all is said and done, even with all that has been taken from me this year, what I have to be thankful for is beautiful. When I sit down at the end of the day and look at all the amazing things that have fallen in my lap, I am in awe. The sun has set and I am content.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not tempting fate! I'm not saying 'bring it on'! I could really use a vacation! I'm just saying that life is good. That's all.

It's a wonderful life! This is a good clip, even if it is chopped off a bit at the end. I feel like George Bailey. In the end, he was still stuck in the same life with his unfulfilled dreams and the same mess to clean up, but he just had figured out that all of it was really great and he wouldn't trade it for anything. The crappy stuff really was insignificant and couldn't measure up when compared to the great stuff. It really IS a wonderful life . . .

Random thoughts . . .

The holiday season always seems so chaotic. I have so many mixed feelings. I'm so happy - so very, very happy. And then I'm so sad and blue - not really depressed, just sad. Life is just crazy. I'm up one minute and down the next. Crazy, see?

Christmas was just lovely. There was absolutely not enough money. I don't have a family to ask help from, and Darrin's family is just not there to ask help from financially or in any other way, so we were really panicked. I was actually having such horrible panic, I was starting to develop an ulcer. Then our sweet neighbor announced to me that she and her family had "adopted" our kids for Christmas. Her son works for a local car dealership, and the dealership was going to provide Christmas for our kids. Between them all, our kids had a really neat Christmas. Everything worked out so great. I felt so humbled and blessed. We were really well taken care of, and I felt the Lord's spirit upon us in such a way that I had never felt it before.

And then, of course, I missed having extended family around. It's funny, I've quit missing the individual members of my family. I don't miss any one of them anymore. That's kind of nice. The sting is gone that way. But I do miss the idea of a family. There's a hole there, where the family gathering should be. It's lonely.

But I have my own family, and they are so amazing. They fill my life with so much joy. How could I ever ask for more?

Up and down. Chaos. Aaargh!

Silent Night - Most Holy of Nights

I wonder why it is that we celebrate the birth of the Christchild on the morning after he is supposed to have been born? Do you ever wonder about that? I mean, he was born at night, right? The star appeared at his birth. The angels appeared to the shepherds-abiding-in-their-fields-keeping-watch-over-their-flocks-by-night. But then we celebrate the next morning. Why don't we celebrate on Christmas Eve? We do presents on Christmas Day because that's when the Wise Men brought presents and all, but we really just let Christmas Eve go by without even mentioning that this was the great moment of the Christchild's birth - the moment the Savior of All Mankind entered into the world of men! It was the single most monumental moment in the history of all mankind, and we skip over it in anticipation of the morning to come.

Oh, I'm not being negative about it all. Don't mistake my commentary for so much derogatory curmudgeonry. I'm just saying there's some really good stuff we're missing out on. I just love our Savior so much, and I, myself miss out on this opportunity to show him my thanks. I'm going to do my best not to miss it this year.

So, in thanks, I offer the following, in anticipation of Christmas Eve - the night of the Savior's birth:

Daughters

I'm certain I've posted this one before, but I woke up at 3:30 this morning with really amazing very early childhood memories pouring out of my brain, and this song seems appropriate right now. It's a great tune, and this is a nice recording, very mellow - melts your heart.



I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Circle of Life

Yesterday was just a really great day. I feel so happy and blessed. I wish I had the words to express the feeling of true love and gratitude I have in my heart for my Heavenly Father and for Jesus Christ. Words fail me, truly.

I love this song. I think the lyrics are beautiful. I really admire Elton John's musical talents as well. He's an amazing musician - he plays and composes and arranges all kinds of music, and I think he's just incredible. So, good song -



From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday!!!

I was really gloomy for a few days, because I kept thinking that I was turning almost 40. (Today I turned 39. Shhh.) But then I woke up really happy this morning and I've had a really great day. Whenever anyone has said happy birthday to me, I've said happy birthday right back, because it has just been such a great day, I've decided it was good enough to share.

Hey, it's my birthday, and I write the rules!!!

So, happy birthday to you too!

I found this song, and it really cracked me up. I think you'll enjoy it too.

Blessings

Today I went to a really great funeral. We have really great funerals in the LDS church. I think that doesn't happen in other religions, so probably other people think that's a weird thing to say. We tend to celebrate life, and look at death as a passing on to other phases of living. It isn't so much an end of living as it is a beginning of something more. Sure, we miss the person who has moved on, and we feel sad that they have passed, but we don't think they are gone forever. We believe that we will be with them again, so we don't mourn them with finality.

So, the man whose funeral I went to was my niece's father-in-law, and my family podiatrist. His name was Dennis Blackburn. He was a very good man who was loved by so many people, the funeral was just so crowded it was neat. His family loved him deeply, and he obviously loved them. It was very touching.

The whole thing made me grateful. This Thanksgiving, and Christmas season, we're going to have a new tradition in our home. On Thanksgiving, we'll start a "Blessing Jar", by writing down blessings on strips of paper. Throughout the holiday season, we'll add strips of paper as we think of blessings, and then on Christmas morning we'll read all of our blessings. We'll just stop and take the time to thank the Lord for all of our blessings. In the middle of all of the chaos of opening Christmas presents and seeing what we got, we'll stop to remember the gifts we've received from God, and we'll thank him especially for the gift of his child, the Christ Child, the Savior of the world.

Happy Thanksgiving. Don't forget to count your blessings and remember from whom they came.

Inspiration

Last night was the girls night for their special Young Women In Excellence program. It is a night where they get to show something they've been working on over the past year in their Personal Progress goals. Tori had a goal where she had studied a bunch of scriptures of people who had great integrity and then she wrote about her impressions of them in her journal, and Leah learned about the Plan of Salvation and reported on it to the family. At the program, the girls each were given a neat bookmark with a quote by Neal A Maxwell, which has really impressed upon my mind. I just keep thinking about it, and I wanted to share it here -

"The same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millennia before it appeared over Bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to placement of each of us in precise human orbits so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others but warm them as well."

This really got me thinking. This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read, honestly. I've been absolutely inspired by it. What he's saying here, essentially, is that we are all placed here to be saviors, in our own way, to the people in our lives. Isn't that an amazing and wonderful idea? It does carry some weight, as well. I mean, we're responsible for the people around us. We aren't just here to take care of ourselves. We are stars, here to shine for others, to light the way for them and to warm them with our light. What a sweet thought. Here's another great quote, from a book called Strangers No More, by Beverly Campbell:


"A most glorious truth, which should be trumpeted from the highest battlement and received with joyous shouts of hallelujah, is that each one of us comes to this earth at exactly the pre-appointed time, along with a bevy of others known to us before we were here. They and we were sent to support one another and to help one another in the fulfillment of our missions."

I just really love this idea. I love the people around me so much. I've tried really hard to love the people in my life and keep them close to me. I haven't always been able to hold on to the people who I think I should, and that makes me sad. I've lost my mom and dad, and my brothers and sisters. They've all slipped away from me. I mourn them every day. I can't pretend there isn't a great hole in my heart over that. But I have my sweet husband and kids, and some other really great people around me, and I hold them close. I feel so grateful for them. I'm trying to shine for them as brightly as they shine for me. They are my saviors on earth for sure.

How wonderful life is when they're in the world . . .

Blessings

This is such an awesome place. This is the LDS Temple in Manti, Utah, or one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

On Saturday, my husband and I were able to take a dear friend of ours to the temple for her first time. It was just so awesome. We really had a great time. The feeling is indescribable. Soon she will be able to be sealed to her husband and children who have died before her. That means that they will be able to be together for all of eternity. Can you imagine her joy, seriously? Her best friend and husband died before her, and then each of her two children died before her, leaving her to raise her two grandchildren on her own. What an amazing woman, so strong and lovely. She is truly an elect lady. I am humbled and graced to call her friend.

Blessings.

Ohhhh, yesterday I had to stop suddenly, and found that Jared had not buckled up. It was a near disaster.

He was sitting in the very back seat of our van, and we have the middle seat out on the side he was sitting on, so he flew forward all the way to the back of the front seat, where he hit his head. He was on the driver's side, so I felt him hit the back of my seat. I was just sickened by it. I turned around and my first reaction was to yell at him - "YOU NEED TO BE BUCKLED!" Now, I never yell at my kids, seriously. He just said, "Sorry." Then I asked him if he was ok. He had a little red spot on his forehead. I had only been going about 15 mph when I braked, so it wasn't horrible, but still, the potential was there for him to have been really hurt. I was so worried.

He was fine.

That didn't change the fact that I freaked out. As soon as we got to the school, I checked him out thoroughly, and made him tell me how he was feeling about a million times. I said he was fine, and that he was so sorry for not being buckled. I just told him I was sorry I drove off without checking, because I always, ALWAYS check to make sure the kids are buckled. That won't happen again! So then I was so worried still, I called his teacher to have her pay special attention to him in case he got to feeling sore or sick later in the day, so she would call me and let me know. He was fine, of course. I still felt so bad that I had to go pick him up for lunch and have a special lunch date with him to let him know he is my special boy. I love him so much I could just eat him up!

Anyway, I'm just feeling happy to have him. My dear friend, Tammy, had her sweet baby boy a week or so ago. She is amazing, and her baby boy, Jackson, is so darling. What a blessing little boys are. What would we do without them?

Heartbeats and bouncy balls

Ok, it's a commercial, but doesn't it just make you happy?

Chili Dog - Moving on . . .

Ok, so I'm moving on. This is a good song to start with.



Make my bed out of Wonder Bread
Spread that hot mustard on my head
I don't need no onions and sauerkraut and all
Hold on to the bun, work it on out now.

I'm a chili dog
I guess you guessed by now, now.
Yes, and I'm a chili dog.
Delicious!

Don't get jealous
Don't get over zealous, oh baby.
Come on now fellas,
Pass me down the relish.

Don't read me no Ann Landers
Don't feed me no Colonel Sanders, oh now.
Well, I ain't tryin' to fool us, ain't tryin' to fool us,
Never bring me home no Orange Julius.

I Gotta have the one, two, three -
I gotta get the dog in me, baby.
Yes indeed, I want a chili dog, mmmm.
Talkin' about it, so delicious
Good for you too!

Fire and Rain

I've seen fire and rain for sure. Everything JT talks about in this song, I can definitely say I've been there and done that. So what, I guess. I've got to just say "so what!", and move on. I know there's been a ton of crap and tragedy in my life. I could sit down and make an ugly, fat list of it all, and it would choke me, it would kill me. But I don't want to do that. I'm tired of that. I want to go on and be a happy person, not dwell on the sorrows of the past.

I keep trying, and people and stuff keep sucking me back into the sorrow. I guess I have to be stronger. I have to make changes inside, and just grow beyond the sorrows. I really am working on it.

Don't you love the cello in the background of this arrangement?



Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

I’ve been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

Mothers of the Disappeared

This is a very sad song. Bono has mothers of the disappeared come on stage and show pics of their children, and tell the date they disappeared, while he does the song. He's a really sweet man.

My mom doesn't care what happened to me. When I tried to kill myself, she wouldn't even come to the hospital, although my husband begged her to. She would never stand on a stage for all the world to see, holding a sign with my face on it that asked "Where is she?". To her, I'm just an embarrassment, an inconvenience.

Another Day

So I cried for two days, and now I'm moving on.

Last night Darrin and I gave each other new wedding rings. When we were married, Darrin and I didn't have much money, and we paid for our own wedding and reception. We had a great time, and it was all just perfect. We wouldn't have changed a thing, really. It was so - us. We had decided we couldn't afford wedding rings, that we would hold off until we could afford them, although we had found a picture of some bands in a magazine that we just loved. They were so simple and beautiful, and they suited us so well.

As it turned out, Darrin and my parents made a secret plan that I wasn't privy to. My parents had an old friend who was a jeweler, and they had him make our wedding rings. It was all very sweet, and it was my parents' gift to us for our wedding day. It was to be a surprise for me - Darrin would just pull them out of his pocket after the sealing. But my bratty sister, Sarah, just couldn't stand it. She always had to ruin things for me. She was so bitter about her little sister getting married before her, she just had to find some way to spoil things for me. Evidently my parents had asked her to go and pick up the rings when they were ready. I was talking on the phone with her, and she nastily spat something out about how bugged she was about having to go pick up the wedding rings. Of course, I was totally blown away. What could I say? I told Darrin that Sarah had told me, and he was so disappointed. I pretended, for my parents' sake, that it was a surprise, on the day of our wedding.

But those wedding rings have never had the same luster. They have always carried my sister's bitterness and hatred. Of course I have loved them because they were our wedding rings, a symbol of our commitment and devotion, a token of our love. But this spring when Darrin was deathly ill and in the ICU for a week, his poor body was so full of infection that even his fingers were so swollen, we had to have his ring cut off. It was horribly mangled in the process, and there was no way we could repair it.

So, we've been scrimping and saving and just yesterday were finally able to pay off our new wedding rings. Last night we lit candles and exchanged our new rings. They are so beautiful. They're silver, with celtic knots going around the band, which is edged in gold. It was such a sweet evening for us, and all of my sadness was forgotten.

I just love my Darrin so much. I always think that eternity can't possibly be long enough.

There are Worse Things I Could Do

This song pretty much sums up the way my family - my parents and siblings - make me feel. Just go ahead and substitute the phrase "my family" for "the neighborhood" when Rizzo sings "even though the neighborhood thinks I'm trashy and no good".

Ironically, I played Rizzo in our high school's rendition of Grease. I was pretty good, I think. I cried every night when I sang this song. I mean, I really understood it. I identified with it. Later, I had moved to another high school in another part of the state, and my parents told me how there had been a big scandal about the school doing the play because of my part. They told me how people had written into the local paper and complained about me and my character and how "trashy and no good" I was. You know, I was just playing the character, and I did it well. Why did my parents have to even tell me that? I knew they were ashamed of me already. It just gave me this lead weight in my chest and made me feel further that they felt that I really was "trashy and no good". I felt like such a no class loser.

So my mom called yesterday. Sheesh. I've even changed my phone number so I wouldn't have to hear from her anymore, and I didn't think she had my cell phone number, but lo and behold, I get this call from "Cobabe" on my cell phone. I almost didn't pick it up. I was already having a rotten day. I said hello, and I knew I shouldn't have. Turns out my dad is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's been there a few days I guess. He's going to be fine, but she claims she thought he was going to die, but now he's not, and she just thought he would be so happy to hear from me.

NO.

Immediately I started sobbing and I told her he doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't even like me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. The last time I spoke with him, he drove 3 hours to tell me I was a liar (because I finally told them my brother had raped and sodomized me) and that I should move away and not come back. Why would he want to hear from me now? Besides, when I was so suicidal after they had rejected me, did they call me or come to see me? Nope. They don't want me. They don't want anything to do with me.

To them, I'm just "trashy and no good".

There went months of therapy, out the window.

Elizabeth Smart - Miss American Pie

Bye Bye Miss American Pie - What a song. This is the song for today. THIS is a link to an interesting analysis of the song itself. It talks about the breakdown and disillusionment of America - a sort of loss of innocence.

It makes me think of Elizabeth Smart. Only, she somehow managed to stay whole and good and pure. Surely not innocent, but everything else. What a good kid.

You know, my heart was, and still is, hers. I can scarcely think of her without crying. She was all at once everyone's child, everyone's beloved and precious daughter. She was mine, and I wept so many tears over her. The day she was found, I screamed and cried - "SHE'S HOME!!!" into the phone to Darrin, as if she had been our daughter. At that moment, she might have been. She might as well have been. She was everyone's dreams and hopes and belief for the children of our world. She was the fair-haired child in all our hearts - gone, gone, gone . . . and then suddenly, impossibly - HOME! How could it be?

And now, she is beautiful, and perfect and whole. She is a woman now. She is going on a mission. She is faithful and sweet and wants to serve the Lord. God bless her, and may he cradle her in his arms forever.

For my love - A little fall of rain . . .

Soooo . . . funny thing, no music in this blog. I really tried hard to find the right clip to post here, and I actually found it, but it didn't allow embedding. Here's the link. It's from a Norwegian production of Les Miserables, and although the dialogue is in Norwegian and you can't understand it, you get the gist. It's actually the most lovely rendition of this piece I think I've ever seen - perhaps not musically speaking. I think Norwegian isn't necessarily the most beautiful language I've ever heard sung and neither of the singers are extraordinary in their own right, but they both are very good actors. The guy playing Marius, in particular, is so sweet. The way he so tenderly kisses and caresses Eponine is so loving and moving, it literally made me cry to watch it.

So, Darrin, this one is for you today. I hope you'll click on the link and watch it. You know I love you. We've certainly had our fall of rain, haven't we? I think it must be about time for us to watch the flowers grow, my sweet. Let's hold hands and stick together, and see if some rainbows don't crop up around us, shall we? I'm positive there must be some lovely meadows full of flowers just over that next hill. I can almost smell them, can't you?

You are My Sunshine

For my sunshines - Tori, Leah, and Jared -

You guys make my gray skies sunny again.

A post-9/11 post

I know I didn't post on 9/11. I'm sorry. I couldn't. You see, 8 years later, I still can't.

I know we all remember. I know we all recall exactly where we were when we found out, where we were when IT happened. But I still haven't let go.

You see, my sweet, broken hearted brother had just committed suicide a month before. I was still reeling from losing him. I had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, or at least, you could say that it was big enough to fly three or four large commercial jets through. And then the worst horror of my life occurred on that beautiful, clear morning on the eleventh of September, 2001. I was lost.

I remember that I had been out for a walk with my friend Melinda. How clever we felt to be out getting fit. The sky was as blue as it could possibly have been. It was early, and I had left Darrin in the shower and the kids sleeping. I would be quick, and back before he left for work, and then I would get Tori ready for school. I said goodbye to Melinda at the corner, and skipped up the stairs and into the house, to find Darrin standing in front of the tv. The first plane had hit. I ran to the door and called Melinda back. She came running in. We quickly agreed it had to be an accident. She left, and ran home to her family. Darrin had to go to work. Goodbye. I love you.

Then the second plane hit. I fell to the floor right there in the living room, in front of the tv. I stiffled a scream. The babies, MY babies were sleeping. I wept in silence. I called Darrin on his cell phone when I thought he would have driven far enough to have reception. He had heard on the radio. There was no way it was an accident, we agreed. We prayed together. The kids were waking up. What should I do? I turned on their shows in the living room, and turned on the tv in my room. Of course it would be the news on almost every channel. Thank goodness for Disney. The kids could be safe while I watched in silent horror.

Everything moved in such slow motion, and yet everything happened at once. I still don't understand how it happened. I was holding the phone to my face, the door to our bedroom was closed, while I spoke quietly and rapidly to Darrin. I watched the tv, giving him minute-by-minute commentary of what the tv people were saying. And then it happened. I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't voice it. What was happening??? And then I was screaming, and I was on the floor again . . . "It's falling!!! It's falling!!! One of the buildings is just falling! NOOOOOO!!!! It's just gone! There's nothing left! It's just gone!!! Where did it gooooo???? NOOOOOOO!!! All those people!!! . . ." And Darrin was asking over and over again "What? What are you saying??? What's happening?????" And all I could do was sob in answer.

Finally I calmed down enough to speak through my sobs. I explained what I could. He heard the rest on the radio. Finally we hung up. It was unimaginable. Nothing like this could happen on American soil. We were safe! We were strong! We demanded respect from the world! Who would dare do this to us? My mind was reeling. And still I watched. The news media was wild with all the questions my mind could imagine.

And then the unimaginable happened again. This time I was sitting when it happened, and I jumped to my feet, already dialing Darrin. Before he could speak, I was screaming into the phone again. "It's happening again. The other tower is falling! It's just like before! . . ." And then the news of the Pentagon, and then the news of the other plane . . . Darrin came home. What else was there? The roads were empty, he said. Everyone was home.

The skies were empty. They were empty for days. I remember the first plane that flew over our home. I cringed, and then I cried.

When George Bush declared a day of rememberance, the Friday following 9/11, I organized a candlelight vigil in our town. The idea came to me just on a whim. I put the word out on the internet, I made phone calls, I ran to neighbors and had them make phone calls. I didn't know if anyone would come, but I told everyone to come and bring candles, and come prepared to say something if they wanted to. I wanted them to just come. We needed to be together, to be ONE, to cry together, to hug, to heal a little if we could, to feel the safety of togetherness. I needed it, so I knew others would too. So I just said "COME!", and I waited to see if they would. We met at twilight, at the firestation, around the flagpole. The flag was at half mast. As my little family and I stood together there, what I saw was amazing and wonderful. It was just like the scene at the end of Field of Dreams - cars streaming down Eagle Mountain Blvd. toward the firestation. You could see their headlights coming and coming in the distance. I just cried again (I was doing a lot of that.) It was dark by the time we were all assembled. Someone had thought to bring a microphone, thankfully, because so many had come. I thanked everyone for coming out. We sang a patriotic song, and then people who wanted to make remarks did so. Some were simple, some were just so profound I'll never forget them. We sang our national anthem - so loud and so proud! It was the most beautiful and moving thing I've ever been a part of! And then we started with one little flame, and passed the flame throughout the crowd of hundreds until every candle was lit, and had a moment of silence for our brothers and sisters who had fallen in terror and in service, and for those who were mourning their loss.

I weep for them still.

I will never, ever forget.

Her Diamonds

This is seriously just the sweetest song. It's by Rob Thomas, who wrote it for his wife, who suffers terribly from fibromyalgia. He talks about how frustrated he is that he can't do anything for her pain.

Darrin goes through this every night with me. I have such terrible fibromyalgia. It cripples me. I try everything I can to keep it at bay, but it just defeats me all the time, and all I can do is cry. I go to water aerobics four or five times a week, and work really hard so I can keep moving, but I still end up in bed half of the time. The pain is so unbearable. I try so hard to not take painkillers - nothing like ibuprofen or tylenol works, it has to be Lortab, and then it just takes my mind away. I lose so much memory, so much time with my sweetheart and my beautiful kids. All I want is for the pain to go, so I can just life my life, freely and without this pain.

But it's ok. If this is what I have to live with; if this is what it takes for me to get the moments of joy I get with Darrin and the kids, I'll take it. The joy outweighs the pain. It's all worth it.



Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what Im doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Shell be all right
Shell be all right
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

How to Handle a Woman

This is how my sweet Darrin handles me. He loves me so much. How can I ever, ever love him enough???

You really ought to hear Darrin sing this. It makes me cry. He and Richard have a thing going in sync.



How to handle a woman,
There’s a way said a wise old man,
A way know by every woman,
Since the whole rigmarole began!

Do I flatter her, I begged him answer,
Do I threaten or cajole or plea,
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?
Said he, smiling, "no, indeed!"

"How to handle a woman,
Mark me well, I will tell you sir!
The way to handle a woman,
Is to love her, simply love her,
Merely love her, love her,
Love her!"

How do you solve a problem like . . .

I've always loved this song. I guess I identify with it. Or, rather, I identify with Maria. I would rather be off singing in the hills, enjoying life than stressing over everyday life. I have my own way of doing things. It annoys people. I don't color within other people's lines, and that drives regimented people crazy.

Take me as I am, or just don't worry about it. That's what I say. It isn't worth the stress to either of us for people to try to change me! We'll all be happier that way.

I'm going to try to make happier blogs now. I'm tired of being gloomy.



She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey
She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

This is such a fun song. I remember singing it when I was a kid. It's a childhood memory. I have so few of them, I really treasure it.

So, I'm having some new health problems. I just have to let these things not worry me. They come to me so often. I get major health issues like other people get a cold or the flu. I don't really understand why, but it has always been so for me. I can either be frustrated and distraught about it, or I can just accept it for what it is, another hurdle in my road, and move on. Hurdles come and hurdles go. I've passed them by before. I've had over 20 surgeries in my life. It looks like I'm coming up on a couple more in the near future. ///Sigh///

Nothing's worrying me . . .



Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me
It wont be long til happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothings worrying me.

Goodbye Tammy Marx. I will miss you.

My friend died in the past week. She lived a difficult life, filled with pain and physical struggle. She fought an inspirational fight. She fought alone. Her family did not understand her, and tried to make her decisions for her as if she were mentally incapacitated. She had a brilliant mind, and was frustrated most of her life by their inability to see her intelligence and ability to manage her life with skill and adeptness.

Today is her funeral. I will lay one large, red rose beside her in her casket. This is difficult for me to do, because I do not go to viewings. I don't like to look in on dead people. But I want to give one last thing to Tammy, because I want to give her a lovely red rose, to symbolize the vivacious and passionate life I know she would have lived if she had been given the opportunity. Instead, she lived her life bound to a wheelchair, obligated to those whose whims controlled her.

So, this is for you, dear Tammy. I will miss you more than you would have ever known. I will look for you in sunsets and in rainbows, and I will see you in all things free and beautiful.



Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.

It's Not Easy Being Green, and other ramblings

This is a funny kind of song. It has always made me melancholy. It's from a muppet, for pete's sake! Why does it make me so melancholy??? But it does, and it does the same for Darrin, too. He said the first time he saw it on Sesame Street, he was probably 4 or 5, and it totally turned him off the show. Funny. That's all. So, I'm feeling kind of melancholy, so it suits my mood.

I keep thinking about the family I grew up, or didn't grow up, in. I really think I didn't truly grow up until I got away from them. I didn't learn to stand up for myself, I didn't learn to be myself, I didn't learn to like myself until I got away from them. I like who I am now. For the first time in my life I like myself. I've stopped hating myself and I've stopped trying to make people like me. I've stopped trying to be something I'm not. I spent my whole life running around trying to be someone I wasn't, trying to be a person that people would approve of. Now I just try to be myself. Some people just don't approve. I'm learning to live with that. It's not easy being green - you know the rest.

I tried to kill myself twice last month. Terrible thing to do to my husband and kids. I can't believe I was that out of my mind. How off my rocker was I? I look back and just can't imagine it. It makes me cry for them. How did they get through it? What was I thinking? I was just out of my mind, that's all. I can't even wrap my mind around it now. But I still have sad thoughts even now. Mostly those sad thoughts revolve around the abandonment that comes from the family of my birth. I think about my oldest brother who raped me. I think about my next oldest brother who I dedicated so much time and love to, only to have him betray me so horribly. I think about my other brother who committed suicide and I understand why. I think about my one sister who left the family like I have and for the same reasons. I think of other siblings and I know we just have the most dysfunctional family. My parents just refuse to face the issues surrounding the dysfunction, and they turn a blind eye to it all. Consequently, their family is crumbling around them. That all became so heavy to me last month.

My memory of my childhood incest came to me not too long ago, my parents abandoned me, and the rest of the family followed suit. Then someone I had considered a good friend completely flipped out on me and turned out to be someone I didn't know she was. Then, on top of it all, my bishop showed his true colors and made evident the fact that he did not like me at all. He screamed in my face and told me to "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH" (his exact words). I didn't go to church for a month, and felt utterly betrayed and abandoned. I plummeted into the deepest, darkest depression I have ever been in, and felt no hope of ever surfacing for air. I tried twice within a week to kill myself. Both times I overdosed, first with painkillers (Darrin discovered me and called the ambulance. The local hospital narrowly saved me.), and then with sleeping pills (This time I changed my mind when I could feel myself dying, and Darrin took me to the hospital).

Now, I am dealing with the ramifications of my actions. I am racked with guilt for what I have heaped upon my children, the weight of what they know. They know about my mental illness, the big secret is out. Mommy is very sick. But they also understand. J tells me "I don't like it when you're sad, mom.", when he sees me cry. That breaks my heart. I'm trying so hard to not be sad. But how do I erase the lifetime of sadness I've lived? I lived for 30 years pretending I was not brutally raped by my brother, and I created sorrow upon sorrow for many of those years, in my attempt to cover up my pain. On top of that, I have physical scars from my brother's abuse. My little body was battered, and I have pain in places and in ways that just should not be. Every ache and every pain reminds me daily of the torment I endured at his hands. And so the torment continues. I must find a way to end it without ending myself. I must find a way to be content with my life, to end the torture that my mind perpetuates and be happy within myself, despite the pain that has been thrust upon me. This is no small challenge.

I must find a way to rise to the challenge.



It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow, or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over
'Cause you're not standing out
Like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean
Or important like a mountain
Or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why
But why wonder why wonder
I am green, and it'll do fine
It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be

Mr. Lonely

Stupid Bobby Vinton.

The Boxer

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles
Such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station
Running scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Lie la lie...

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

Lie la lie...

Then I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me,
Leading me, going home.

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

Lie la lie...

New Hymn

I'm trying so hard to sing a new hymn. It is very, very hard. I have some ups and some downs. The downs are, unfortunately, very low - very, very low. I'm hanging on to what I can - threads, at times. The darkness can be so dark, and the pit so very deep, it is hard to come up for air. When something drags me down it is very hard to recover. I wish I had a great support network. I have Darrin and my therapist, and that's really it. I miss my family, but all they wanted to do was tell me to stop talking about things, to bury them deep. How does an infection heal when you just cover it up and let it fester inside you?

I'm lonely.



Source of all we hope or dread
Sheepdog, jackal, rattler, swan
We hunt your face and long to trust
That your hid mouth will say again
Let there be light
A clear new day

But when we thirst in this dry night
We drink from hot wells poisoned with the blood of children
And when we strain to hear a steady homing beam
Our ears are balked by stifled moans
And howls of desolation from the throats of sisters, brothers, wild men
Clawing at the gates for bread

Even our own feeble hands
Ache to seize the crown you wear
And work our private havoc through
The known and unknown lands of space

Absolute in flame beyond us
Seed and source of Dark and Day
Maker whom we beg to be
Our mother father comrade mate

'Til our few atoms blow to dust
Or form again in wiser lives
Or find your face and hear our name
In your calm voice the end of night
If dark may end
Wellspring goal of Dark and Day

Be here
Be now

What Would You Say to Cancer?

59th Street Bridge Song

Don'tcha just love Simon and Garfunkel?

For JWB on his 9th birthday - my baby boy

This morning, because I had mistakenly told him he was born around 7am, my little one came bounding in and jumped in bed between Darrin and me. "I'm late guys! Sorry! I slept a little late!" he said with sleep still in his beautiful newly 9-year-old boy voice. LATE??? What was he thinking?????? This kid has an agenda, you've got to know. He has plans. You may never know what his plans are, but you must always know there IS a plan, and you must always be aware that you will become aware of the plan at some point!

Evidently, the plan was that he would come in and be with us at the exact moment of the anniversary of his appointed arrival into this world. He seems to have made a plan to celebrate his exact moment of birth by snuggling in our bed with his mom and dad. What a kid! I mean, seriously, WHAT A KID!!! I could only be slightly annoyed at being woken from my cozy slumber. After all, it was his birthday, and his exuberance and sweet innocence could never possibly be matched.

I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and pulled out his birth certificate. Turns out I had his exact time of birth mixed up with one of his sisters'. He was born at exactly 8:36am, MST. So we all snuggled back into bed, having not missed the precise moment of celebration, and discussed how he came out of his momma's tummy a la Superman - with one arm reaching out into the world in front of him, so he caused me undo agony as I had to deliver his shoulder at the same time as his head (he did say he was sorry!), and how I had no idea I could scream with such volume. We talked about how excited we were, and how excited his sisters were to meet him. We talked about everything, and then the moment came and went, and we hugged and kissed, and of course I cried.

My baby boy is 9 years old now, and I'll never get another. I treasure each and every moment I get with my 3 kids. They're amazing.

a little music for today - for my mom

No imbedding allowed, so follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj06SgTgWWs

And again on this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_6uCovdy5M

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I've been wanting so badly to recapture some of my childhood, since I have so very little memory of it. I remember almost nothing good from when I was a kid. I have a terrible fear that if I remember the good, I'll remember more bad. I think I'm willing to take the chance, though. I'll take the bad, just to have a glimpse of the good. I want it so badly.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - For DSB My only love

My sisters and I used to go watch this movie over and over at the dollar theater. We would just weep and weep. We would just bring a box of tissue and cry . . . now I don't have any sisters left.

Now I have my husband, and he is truly the wind beneath my wings. He is the reason I am here to write today, rather than moldering beneath the ground. He and my kids give my life reason and purpose. I wake up in the morning and get out of bed because I know I will be with them. They are the wind beneath my wings, my everything, my breathing out and breathing in.



It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way,
you always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name -- for so long,
a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing with out you.

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away,
you let me fly so high.
Oh, fly, fly,
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,
the wind beneath my wings.

The Secret O' Life

I'm just so mellow and happy tonight, enjoying my sweet family. We had a walk over to the neighbors' house to water their garden while they're on vacation. It turned into a big water fight and everyone was drenched, of course. It made me so happy, and reminiscent of the time when we owned our own home and had a big yard and we were footloose and fancy free. Perspective is such a funny thing, really, because I didn't realize how great things were then, but looking back, I long for that time. I would grab hold of it and never let go if I could.

But here I am now, and the secret o' life is enjoying the passage of time . . .

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

It won't be easy.
You'll think it's strange
when I try to explain how I feel,
that I still need your love
after all that I've done.

You won't believe me.
All you will see
is a girl you once knew,
although she's dressed up to the nines,
it's sixes and sevens with you.

I had to let it happen.
I had to change.
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel,
Looking out of the window
staying out of the sun.

So I chose freedom -
running around, trying everything new,
but nothing impressed me at all.
I never expected it to.

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you.
All through my wild days, my mad existence,
I kept my promise, don't keep your distance.

And as for fortune and as for fame,
I never invited them in.
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired.
They are illusions,
they are not the solutions they promised to be.
The answer was here all the time.

I love you, and hope you love me.

Don't cry for me Argentina. . . .

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you.
All through my wild days, my mad existence,
I kept my promise, don't keep your distance.

Have I said to much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.

But all you have to do
is look at me to see that every word is true!

I am a barometer

It is true. Due to the fact of my fibromyalgia, I can predict with a fair amount of accuracy, the barometric pressure. I woke up this morning knowing that we would have a storm today. Sure enough, the forecast is calling for thunder storms. Isn't that nice? No. But whatever. So in honor of this gift, today's song is "I am a . . ."

Candle in the Wind

So, I've had a few really bad weeks. Bad with a capital B. Bad like Michael Jackson-type bad. Bad like Walter Cronkite bad. Bad like my brother raping me when I was little bad. Bad like my family abandoning me in my hour of greatest need bad. Bad like my bishop telling me "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH" bad (I know, it isn't his church, it's HIS church.)

I tried to kill myself. I downed half a bottle of this or that, and got in a really hot shower and waited for it to come. I was so calm and I felt really good. I just waited. What would come? I don't know what I expected, exactly, but it wasn't the ambulance and the police that my husband called up. They saved me. That was Tuesday.

Things kept getting worse.

By Saturday, although I had promised I wouldn't try again, I just couldn't see any reason stay, so I gulped down another half bottle of something else, and waited. This one was very different, and there were all these colored lights, and my breathing was scary. I knew I was dying, and I didn't want to hurt my kids, so I told Darrin and we went to the ER. All I could think of was what it would do to my kids. I just couldn't do that to them.

I love Tom so much, but he did that to his kids. He hurt them so bad. I couldn't do that to them. I've seen how it has hurt them, and I won't do that to my kids. I guess that's one good thing that came from his death. Funny, because I've been trying to kill myself since I was 13 years old, way before Tom ever did, but his death was what kept me from killing myself. My kids kept me here, when nothing else could. I could live for them, when I could live for nothing else.

My beautiful kids. I'll always live for them.

So I spent about a week in rehab, by my own choice. I met some really amazing people, and I am forever changed.

God forgive me, I've made mistakes. I'm human. But I won't continue to make those same mistakes and pretend I haven't made them. I'm honest with myself and with everyone else about my mistakes. I live on by the grace of God, and I know I am forgiven because of the great atonement of Jesus Christ. He has borne my burdens, and lifted my soul from the depths where I have not been able to recover it on my own.

This is the version of Candle in the Wind that Elton John sang for Princess Diana's funeral. It was so lovely. The lyrics are a little different, so I've placed them after the vid.



Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
You called out to our country
And you whispered to those in pain
Now you belong to heaven
And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Loveliness we've lost
These empty days without your smile
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child
And even though we try
The truth brings us to tears
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye England's rose
From a country lost without your soul
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And you footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

For my Cairo, who is hurting so badly

This is our Cairo, our beautiful greyhound, who we adopted and rescued from a racetrack in Colorado a little over 2 years ago. She is an absolute angel, and still a puppy in many ways, although she is nearly 7 years old. Yesterday, she began to suffer from horrible bouts of paralysis, yelping and crying out in pain whenever she would try to move. We took her to the ignorant veterinarian in Price, and he charged us $65 for watching her walk down the sidewalk and shoving a pill for parasites down her throat.

Today, she was much worse. We took her to a veterinarian in Salt Lake that we knew understood greyhounds. Greys have very special anatomy, with larger hearts and lungs, and even different blood composition. Most vets don't know a thing about greys. The doc we took her to today knew his stuff. He took blood to check for tick-borne diseases, sedated her to get comprehensive x-rays, and $750 later, we found out that our sweet baby girl has horrible degenerative disc disease down her entire spine, and horrible degenerative lung disease. All of this comes from abuse at the track during her racing days.

Please watch the following video. Never go to a dog racing track, or bet on a race. If you do, you are torturing and killing innocent animals like my sweet and innocent Cairo.

Crazy Love

Darrin is home from a week-long conference.



I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her thats where I belong
Yet Im running to her like a rivers song


She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Shes got a fine sense of humor when Im feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

And when Im returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul

Woman in Chains

I'm trying to heal. Most days are good. Some moments are not. Yesterday was lousy - father's day. My father's betrayal probably stings the deepest. I had trusted him. Isn't a daddy supposed to have a soft heart for his little girl? I'm supposed to be his baby. I was always robbed of that. I never had that security. The older siblings always had security. They'll never know. Not only was I abused by them, but I grew up in poverty, and had that insecurity. And then my parents turned their backs on me.

For too long, I was the woman in chains. Now, I have a loving man who has helped me to believe in myself, so I could free myself. I'm still so insecure. It is hard not to want to fly back to the security of the chains.

Crazy, I know.



You better love loving and you better behave
You better love loving and you better behave
Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Calls her man the great white hope
Says she's fine, she'll always cope
Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Well i feel lying and waiting is a poor man's deal
And i feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
It's a world gone crazy
Keeps woman in chains

Trades her soul as skin and bones
Sells the only thing she owns
Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Men of stone
Men of stone

Well i feel deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal
And i feel somebody somewhere is trying to breathe
Well you know what i mean
It's a world gone crazy
Keeps woman in chains

It's under my skin but out of my hands
I'll tear it apart but i won't understand
I will not accept the greatness of man

It's a world gone crazy
Keeps woman in chains

So free her
So free her

Hallelujah

This is John Cale performing Leonard Cohen's song, Hallelujah. Cale sings an alternate last verse, and I really like the other ones, which are in the lyrics I've posted below.




Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this - the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding or Farewell to My Family

This is the end. I can no longer have a relationship with the family I was born into. I dedicate this song to them. This is my official memorial for the relationship I once dared to dream I had with them. It was always a farce, but I have always been a dreamer.

When I was very young, I wandered our wide expanse of acreage in the tall dry grass under the warm California sun like a wild child. I was carefree, and had no concern for any harm that might come to me until one day when my oldest brother, who is 21 years my elder, came upon me and savagely raped and sodomized me. I have no way of knowing how many times incidents like this occurred. I do know that he also forced me to pose for pornographic photos.

For 30 years I buried the pain, shame and sorrow of this secret. Through those years, my brother has made me the scapegoat of the family, the brunt of every joke, the fool. My entire family laughed along.

I rebelled. My teen years were wild and crazy, a mixture of drugs, alcohol and sex. My very existence lay bleeding before me. I took every risk. I climbed every rock without a rope, and stared every danger in the face. If death would have taken me, I would have welcomed it. I made my first attempt at suicide at the age of 13. No one answered my plea for help.

A few months ago I dared to tell the tale. There was really no surprise in the fact that my entire family has shunned me and called me a liar. My mom, who I do love so dearly, after she screamed at me and told me that I was a liar and a slut, has politely told me that I have my stories mixed up. My great brother, who has been put on a pedestal by my parents, could never have done anything like that to me, even though he has a criminal record as a sexual predator, and has been arrested numerous times for predatory sexual acts. Soon, he will meet God, and will pay for his crimes against others, and against me. I pity him, and I am working to forgive him. He is a sick, sick man - a pedophile, a lying, manipulative rapist, a disgusting piece of pond scum. I hold no regard for him, and will not mourn him when he goes to meet his maker.

Today, I spoke with my mom. I had thought that she was beginning to believe me. She was lying. It was all a farce. I won't try anymore. She won't accept the truth, and so she won't accept me. She keeps telling me she just wants me to stop talking about it. She was married at age 16, and was raised by an abusive mother. At nearly 80 years of age, she is still talking about the things her mother did to her, and yet she expects me to stop talking about the brutal rape and sodomy I received at the hand of my own brother in my tender young years. I WILL NEVER STOP! NOT UNTIL THE DAY HE DIES! THE WORLD IS NOT SAFE UNTIL MEN LIKE HIM ARE ALL GONE!

I am finished being revictimized by my family. I was raped by my brother, and am raped over and over again by my family every time they tell me I am a liar, or tell me I should be quiet about it. I will never be quiet about it again! I am done! I no longer claim any connection with the family I was born into. That was a sad, sad twist of fate or a bad choice on my part before I came to mortality. It has brought me nothing but sorrow and shame.

My life begins anew today.

From this moment, Ruth Ellen Cobabe is dead. She is no more. She was murdered, stoned to death, by the family she was born into.

Ruth Brandt, wife and mother of 3 beautiful children lives on.



The roses in the window box
Have tilted to one side
Everything about this house
Was born to grow and die

Oh it doesn't seem a year ago
To this very day
You said I'm sorry honey
If I don't change the pace
I can't face another day

And love lies bleeding in my hand
Oh it kills me to think of you with another man
I was playing rock and roll and you were just a fan
But my guitar couldn't hold you
So I split the band
Love lies bleeding in my hands

I wonder if those changes
Have left a scar on you
Like all the burning hoops of fire
That you and I passed through

You're a bluebird on a telegraph line
I hope you're happy now
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl
You'll make it back somehow

Possessed by Love

Yesterday

David Carradine - In Memoriam

David Carradine has died. He was found hanging in his hotel room in Bangkok. This gives me more grief than I can begin to say, for a few different reasons. First, this is the method my brother chose to commit suicide. Second, I actually have a really sweet memory from my childhood of the show Kung Fu. I watched it faithfully, never missing an episode. I have always loved the ideals of fairness and defense of right that the show portrayed. Those ideals are so desperately wanting in this world we live in. Somehow, losing the actor who portrayed the character I loved just makes me ache. I always have loved David Carradine. As a person, I know he was flawed, but he seemed to have at least tried to live like that character he had portrayed - to be good and peaceful and fair. I liked him as a person. He was not like all those Hollywood plastic figures that you see today. He was real. What you saw was what you got, for better or worse. I liked that.

So, as a farewell, I'm posting his Kung Fu series premiere. YouTube only allows 10 minute segments, so it comes in 8 segments. My apologies, but if you're patient, you'll be rewarded with a gem from the past. I think it will be worth your wait. Try buffering them all at the same time on pause, and then you'll be able to watch them all in a row, without interruption.

Farewell Mr. Carradine, Kwai Chang Caine. I hope you find the peace you have sought, that peace which has eluded you. Go with God.