There are Worse Things I Could Do

This song pretty much sums up the way my family - my parents and siblings - make me feel. Just go ahead and substitute the phrase "my family" for "the neighborhood" when Rizzo sings "even though the neighborhood thinks I'm trashy and no good".

Ironically, I played Rizzo in our high school's rendition of Grease. I was pretty good, I think. I cried every night when I sang this song. I mean, I really understood it. I identified with it. Later, I had moved to another high school in another part of the state, and my parents told me how there had been a big scandal about the school doing the play because of my part. They told me how people had written into the local paper and complained about me and my character and how "trashy and no good" I was. You know, I was just playing the character, and I did it well. Why did my parents have to even tell me that? I knew they were ashamed of me already. It just gave me this lead weight in my chest and made me feel further that they felt that I really was "trashy and no good". I felt like such a no class loser.

So my mom called yesterday. Sheesh. I've even changed my phone number so I wouldn't have to hear from her anymore, and I didn't think she had my cell phone number, but lo and behold, I get this call from "Cobabe" on my cell phone. I almost didn't pick it up. I was already having a rotten day. I said hello, and I knew I shouldn't have. Turns out my dad is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's been there a few days I guess. He's going to be fine, but she claims she thought he was going to die, but now he's not, and she just thought he would be so happy to hear from me.

NO.

Immediately I started sobbing and I told her he doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't even like me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. The last time I spoke with him, he drove 3 hours to tell me I was a liar (because I finally told them my brother had raped and sodomized me) and that I should move away and not come back. Why would he want to hear from me now? Besides, when I was so suicidal after they had rejected me, did they call me or come to see me? Nope. They don't want me. They don't want anything to do with me.

To them, I'm just "trashy and no good".

There went months of therapy, out the window.