It's Not Easy Being Green, and other ramblings

This is a funny kind of song. It has always made me melancholy. It's from a muppet, for pete's sake! Why does it make me so melancholy??? But it does, and it does the same for Darrin, too. He said the first time he saw it on Sesame Street, he was probably 4 or 5, and it totally turned him off the show. Funny. That's all. So, I'm feeling kind of melancholy, so it suits my mood.

I keep thinking about the family I grew up, or didn't grow up, in. I really think I didn't truly grow up until I got away from them. I didn't learn to stand up for myself, I didn't learn to be myself, I didn't learn to like myself until I got away from them. I like who I am now. For the first time in my life I like myself. I've stopped hating myself and I've stopped trying to make people like me. I've stopped trying to be something I'm not. I spent my whole life running around trying to be someone I wasn't, trying to be a person that people would approve of. Now I just try to be myself. Some people just don't approve. I'm learning to live with that. It's not easy being green - you know the rest.

I tried to kill myself twice last month. Terrible thing to do to my husband and kids. I can't believe I was that out of my mind. How off my rocker was I? I look back and just can't imagine it. It makes me cry for them. How did they get through it? What was I thinking? I was just out of my mind, that's all. I can't even wrap my mind around it now. But I still have sad thoughts even now. Mostly those sad thoughts revolve around the abandonment that comes from the family of my birth. I think about my oldest brother who raped me. I think about my next oldest brother who I dedicated so much time and love to, only to have him betray me so horribly. I think about my other brother who committed suicide and I understand why. I think about my one sister who left the family like I have and for the same reasons. I think of other siblings and I know we just have the most dysfunctional family. My parents just refuse to face the issues surrounding the dysfunction, and they turn a blind eye to it all. Consequently, their family is crumbling around them. That all became so heavy to me last month.

My memory of my childhood incest came to me not too long ago, my parents abandoned me, and the rest of the family followed suit. Then someone I had considered a good friend completely flipped out on me and turned out to be someone I didn't know she was. Then, on top of it all, my bishop showed his true colors and made evident the fact that he did not like me at all. He screamed in my face and told me to "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH" (his exact words). I didn't go to church for a month, and felt utterly betrayed and abandoned. I plummeted into the deepest, darkest depression I have ever been in, and felt no hope of ever surfacing for air. I tried twice within a week to kill myself. Both times I overdosed, first with painkillers (Darrin discovered me and called the ambulance. The local hospital narrowly saved me.), and then with sleeping pills (This time I changed my mind when I could feel myself dying, and Darrin took me to the hospital).

Now, I am dealing with the ramifications of my actions. I am racked with guilt for what I have heaped upon my children, the weight of what they know. They know about my mental illness, the big secret is out. Mommy is very sick. But they also understand. J tells me "I don't like it when you're sad, mom.", when he sees me cry. That breaks my heart. I'm trying so hard to not be sad. But how do I erase the lifetime of sadness I've lived? I lived for 30 years pretending I was not brutally raped by my brother, and I created sorrow upon sorrow for many of those years, in my attempt to cover up my pain. On top of that, I have physical scars from my brother's abuse. My little body was battered, and I have pain in places and in ways that just should not be. Every ache and every pain reminds me daily of the torment I endured at his hands. And so the torment continues. I must find a way to end it without ending myself. I must find a way to be content with my life, to end the torture that my mind perpetuates and be happy within myself, despite the pain that has been thrust upon me. This is no small challenge.

I must find a way to rise to the challenge.



It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow, or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over
'Cause you're not standing out
Like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean
Or important like a mountain
Or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why
But why wonder why wonder
I am green, and it'll do fine
It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be