Candle in the Wind

So, I've had a few really bad weeks. Bad with a capital B. Bad like Michael Jackson-type bad. Bad like Walter Cronkite bad. Bad like my brother raping me when I was little bad. Bad like my family abandoning me in my hour of greatest need bad. Bad like my bishop telling me "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH" bad (I know, it isn't his church, it's HIS church.)

I tried to kill myself. I downed half a bottle of this or that, and got in a really hot shower and waited for it to come. I was so calm and I felt really good. I just waited. What would come? I don't know what I expected, exactly, but it wasn't the ambulance and the police that my husband called up. They saved me. That was Tuesday.

Things kept getting worse.

By Saturday, although I had promised I wouldn't try again, I just couldn't see any reason stay, so I gulped down another half bottle of something else, and waited. This one was very different, and there were all these colored lights, and my breathing was scary. I knew I was dying, and I didn't want to hurt my kids, so I told Darrin and we went to the ER. All I could think of was what it would do to my kids. I just couldn't do that to them.

I love Tom so much, but he did that to his kids. He hurt them so bad. I couldn't do that to them. I've seen how it has hurt them, and I won't do that to my kids. I guess that's one good thing that came from his death. Funny, because I've been trying to kill myself since I was 13 years old, way before Tom ever did, but his death was what kept me from killing myself. My kids kept me here, when nothing else could. I could live for them, when I could live for nothing else.

My beautiful kids. I'll always live for them.

So I spent about a week in rehab, by my own choice. I met some really amazing people, and I am forever changed.

God forgive me, I've made mistakes. I'm human. But I won't continue to make those same mistakes and pretend I haven't made them. I'm honest with myself and with everyone else about my mistakes. I live on by the grace of God, and I know I am forgiven because of the great atonement of Jesus Christ. He has borne my burdens, and lifted my soul from the depths where I have not been able to recover it on my own.

This is the version of Candle in the Wind that Elton John sang for Princess Diana's funeral. It was so lovely. The lyrics are a little different, so I've placed them after the vid.



Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
You called out to our country
And you whispered to those in pain
Now you belong to heaven
And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Loveliness we've lost
These empty days without your smile
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child
And even though we try
The truth brings us to tears
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye England's rose
From a country lost without your soul
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And you footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will