My thoughts have been racing like crazy lately - random and wild like this song. One minute I feel sad and blue and depressed and sure that things will be that way forever, and then I'm just happy and glad and I know that everything will be ok.
My whole family has been this way. It's wild how losing our Cairo has effected us this way. My sweet Jared, only 9 years old, has been having awful dreams. He dreams of loving and hugging Cairo, only to awake and find himself alone. Then he lays there awake and crying, all alone in the darkness. It isn't the dream that is so awful, but what he awakes to afterward. And then last night, he dreamed again of Cairo, and then dreamed of losing his grandparents who he had loved so much.
Damn them a million times over. Damn them to a thousand corners of hell! And I'm not kidding! I told them if they banished me they would be breaking my children's hearts, and that the choice was theirs. My children lived in their home for three years and grew to adore them in ways they could never have imagined. And then they made the conscious choice to abandon not only me, but to completely turn their backs on my children, their own grandchildren, who they knew to adore and esteem them in the highest fashion. My children felt that their grandparents could do no wrong! And then they did this to them! Oh, the deepest betrayal of all to their dear, young hearts! Oh, the pain and confusion! My poor darlings! What can I do for them? How can I mend their sweet little spirits? The poor things are having dreams of their abandonment by their trusted ones. What am I to do?
Somehow, I will pick up the pieces. I absolutely must put this back together.
This is the mess that caused me to attempt suicide. Can you imagine what it did to my tender little children?
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine . . . or at least I must pretend that I do, until my children believe it. Then maybe I'll really feel fine and we can move on.
BTW, I really like this frenzied rendition of this song. It really displays how I feel.
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