Auld Lang Syne

So the year, and the decade, is drawing to a close, and I am glad.

I find myself reflecting on the past year with a mixture of emotion that is somewhat overwhelming. In 2009:

I rolled a car in the mountains.
I remembered having been sexually molested by my own brother.
I was rejected by the family I grew up with.
My husband almost died.
I tried to kill myself not once, but twice.
I spent a week in a psych ward (we called it the wacky shack), trying to keep myself alive.
I passed over 100 kidney stones.

and on the flip side:

I learned through intense pain and sorrow what really matters to me.
I learned that there are a precious few people in my life who will stand by me though the fires of hell may rain down upon me and demons may threaten to swallow me with their ghastly jowls agape about me.
I learned that people I thought really cared about me just didn't care that much, and people who were relative strangers to me cared enough to be my heroes.
I learned that my husband and children are more sweet and priceless than any treasure, and rather than throw my life away in the depths of my sorrow I want to give my life to them.
I remembered that the only way to find myself is to walk with my Savior. He is my friend and my guide. He is so kind and good, and he just doesn't judge or condemn in any way. He just takes me by the hand and gently leads me along. How cool is that, anyway?

I sat in the emergency room for 6 hours last night with my husband. He fell on the ice and ended up with a concussion. I was just so worried about him. All I can do is be grateful.

At the end of the year - at the end of this really crazy and mixed up year, all I can do is be grateful. When all is said and done, even with all that has been taken from me this year, what I have to be thankful for is beautiful. When I sit down at the end of the day and look at all the amazing things that have fallen in my lap, I am in awe. The sun has set and I am content.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not tempting fate! I'm not saying 'bring it on'! I could really use a vacation! I'm just saying that life is good. That's all.

It's a wonderful life! This is a good clip, even if it is chopped off a bit at the end. I feel like George Bailey. In the end, he was still stuck in the same life with his unfulfilled dreams and the same mess to clean up, but he just had figured out that all of it was really great and he wouldn't trade it for anything. The crappy stuff really was insignificant and couldn't measure up when compared to the great stuff. It really IS a wonderful life . . .

Random thoughts . . .

The holiday season always seems so chaotic. I have so many mixed feelings. I'm so happy - so very, very happy. And then I'm so sad and blue - not really depressed, just sad. Life is just crazy. I'm up one minute and down the next. Crazy, see?

Christmas was just lovely. There was absolutely not enough money. I don't have a family to ask help from, and Darrin's family is just not there to ask help from financially or in any other way, so we were really panicked. I was actually having such horrible panic, I was starting to develop an ulcer. Then our sweet neighbor announced to me that she and her family had "adopted" our kids for Christmas. Her son works for a local car dealership, and the dealership was going to provide Christmas for our kids. Between them all, our kids had a really neat Christmas. Everything worked out so great. I felt so humbled and blessed. We were really well taken care of, and I felt the Lord's spirit upon us in such a way that I had never felt it before.

And then, of course, I missed having extended family around. It's funny, I've quit missing the individual members of my family. I don't miss any one of them anymore. That's kind of nice. The sting is gone that way. But I do miss the idea of a family. There's a hole there, where the family gathering should be. It's lonely.

But I have my own family, and they are so amazing. They fill my life with so much joy. How could I ever ask for more?

Up and down. Chaos. Aaargh!

Silent Night - Most Holy of Nights

I wonder why it is that we celebrate the birth of the Christchild on the morning after he is supposed to have been born? Do you ever wonder about that? I mean, he was born at night, right? The star appeared at his birth. The angels appeared to the shepherds-abiding-in-their-fields-keeping-watch-over-their-flocks-by-night. But then we celebrate the next morning. Why don't we celebrate on Christmas Eve? We do presents on Christmas Day because that's when the Wise Men brought presents and all, but we really just let Christmas Eve go by without even mentioning that this was the great moment of the Christchild's birth - the moment the Savior of All Mankind entered into the world of men! It was the single most monumental moment in the history of all mankind, and we skip over it in anticipation of the morning to come.

Oh, I'm not being negative about it all. Don't mistake my commentary for so much derogatory curmudgeonry. I'm just saying there's some really good stuff we're missing out on. I just love our Savior so much, and I, myself miss out on this opportunity to show him my thanks. I'm going to do my best not to miss it this year.

So, in thanks, I offer the following, in anticipation of Christmas Eve - the night of the Savior's birth:

Daughters

I'm certain I've posted this one before, but I woke up at 3:30 this morning with really amazing very early childhood memories pouring out of my brain, and this song seems appropriate right now. It's a great tune, and this is a nice recording, very mellow - melts your heart.



I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Circle of Life

Yesterday was just a really great day. I feel so happy and blessed. I wish I had the words to express the feeling of true love and gratitude I have in my heart for my Heavenly Father and for Jesus Christ. Words fail me, truly.

I love this song. I think the lyrics are beautiful. I really admire Elton John's musical talents as well. He's an amazing musician - he plays and composes and arranges all kinds of music, and I think he's just incredible. So, good song -



From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday!!!

I was really gloomy for a few days, because I kept thinking that I was turning almost 40. (Today I turned 39. Shhh.) But then I woke up really happy this morning and I've had a really great day. Whenever anyone has said happy birthday to me, I've said happy birthday right back, because it has just been such a great day, I've decided it was good enough to share.

Hey, it's my birthday, and I write the rules!!!

So, happy birthday to you too!

I found this song, and it really cracked me up. I think you'll enjoy it too.