Heartbeats and bouncy balls

Ok, it's a commercial, but doesn't it just make you happy?

Chili Dog - Moving on . . .

Ok, so I'm moving on. This is a good song to start with.



Make my bed out of Wonder Bread
Spread that hot mustard on my head
I don't need no onions and sauerkraut and all
Hold on to the bun, work it on out now.

I'm a chili dog
I guess you guessed by now, now.
Yes, and I'm a chili dog.
Delicious!

Don't get jealous
Don't get over zealous, oh baby.
Come on now fellas,
Pass me down the relish.

Don't read me no Ann Landers
Don't feed me no Colonel Sanders, oh now.
Well, I ain't tryin' to fool us, ain't tryin' to fool us,
Never bring me home no Orange Julius.

I Gotta have the one, two, three -
I gotta get the dog in me, baby.
Yes indeed, I want a chili dog, mmmm.
Talkin' about it, so delicious
Good for you too!

Fire and Rain

I've seen fire and rain for sure. Everything JT talks about in this song, I can definitely say I've been there and done that. So what, I guess. I've got to just say "so what!", and move on. I know there's been a ton of crap and tragedy in my life. I could sit down and make an ugly, fat list of it all, and it would choke me, it would kill me. But I don't want to do that. I'm tired of that. I want to go on and be a happy person, not dwell on the sorrows of the past.

I keep trying, and people and stuff keep sucking me back into the sorrow. I guess I have to be stronger. I have to make changes inside, and just grow beyond the sorrows. I really am working on it.

Don't you love the cello in the background of this arrangement?



Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

I’ve been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

Mothers of the Disappeared

This is a very sad song. Bono has mothers of the disappeared come on stage and show pics of their children, and tell the date they disappeared, while he does the song. He's a really sweet man.

My mom doesn't care what happened to me. When I tried to kill myself, she wouldn't even come to the hospital, although my husband begged her to. She would never stand on a stage for all the world to see, holding a sign with my face on it that asked "Where is she?". To her, I'm just an embarrassment, an inconvenience.

Another Day

So I cried for two days, and now I'm moving on.

Last night Darrin and I gave each other new wedding rings. When we were married, Darrin and I didn't have much money, and we paid for our own wedding and reception. We had a great time, and it was all just perfect. We wouldn't have changed a thing, really. It was so - us. We had decided we couldn't afford wedding rings, that we would hold off until we could afford them, although we had found a picture of some bands in a magazine that we just loved. They were so simple and beautiful, and they suited us so well.

As it turned out, Darrin and my parents made a secret plan that I wasn't privy to. My parents had an old friend who was a jeweler, and they had him make our wedding rings. It was all very sweet, and it was my parents' gift to us for our wedding day. It was to be a surprise for me - Darrin would just pull them out of his pocket after the sealing. But my bratty sister, Sarah, just couldn't stand it. She always had to ruin things for me. She was so bitter about her little sister getting married before her, she just had to find some way to spoil things for me. Evidently my parents had asked her to go and pick up the rings when they were ready. I was talking on the phone with her, and she nastily spat something out about how bugged she was about having to go pick up the wedding rings. Of course, I was totally blown away. What could I say? I told Darrin that Sarah had told me, and he was so disappointed. I pretended, for my parents' sake, that it was a surprise, on the day of our wedding.

But those wedding rings have never had the same luster. They have always carried my sister's bitterness and hatred. Of course I have loved them because they were our wedding rings, a symbol of our commitment and devotion, a token of our love. But this spring when Darrin was deathly ill and in the ICU for a week, his poor body was so full of infection that even his fingers were so swollen, we had to have his ring cut off. It was horribly mangled in the process, and there was no way we could repair it.

So, we've been scrimping and saving and just yesterday were finally able to pay off our new wedding rings. Last night we lit candles and exchanged our new rings. They are so beautiful. They're silver, with celtic knots going around the band, which is edged in gold. It was such a sweet evening for us, and all of my sadness was forgotten.

I just love my Darrin so much. I always think that eternity can't possibly be long enough.

There are Worse Things I Could Do

This song pretty much sums up the way my family - my parents and siblings - make me feel. Just go ahead and substitute the phrase "my family" for "the neighborhood" when Rizzo sings "even though the neighborhood thinks I'm trashy and no good".

Ironically, I played Rizzo in our high school's rendition of Grease. I was pretty good, I think. I cried every night when I sang this song. I mean, I really understood it. I identified with it. Later, I had moved to another high school in another part of the state, and my parents told me how there had been a big scandal about the school doing the play because of my part. They told me how people had written into the local paper and complained about me and my character and how "trashy and no good" I was. You know, I was just playing the character, and I did it well. Why did my parents have to even tell me that? I knew they were ashamed of me already. It just gave me this lead weight in my chest and made me feel further that they felt that I really was "trashy and no good". I felt like such a no class loser.

So my mom called yesterday. Sheesh. I've even changed my phone number so I wouldn't have to hear from her anymore, and I didn't think she had my cell phone number, but lo and behold, I get this call from "Cobabe" on my cell phone. I almost didn't pick it up. I was already having a rotten day. I said hello, and I knew I shouldn't have. Turns out my dad is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's been there a few days I guess. He's going to be fine, but she claims she thought he was going to die, but now he's not, and she just thought he would be so happy to hear from me.

NO.

Immediately I started sobbing and I told her he doesn't want to hear from me. He doesn't even like me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. The last time I spoke with him, he drove 3 hours to tell me I was a liar (because I finally told them my brother had raped and sodomized me) and that I should move away and not come back. Why would he want to hear from me now? Besides, when I was so suicidal after they had rejected me, did they call me or come to see me? Nope. They don't want me. They don't want anything to do with me.

To them, I'm just "trashy and no good".

There went months of therapy, out the window.