New Hymn

I'm trying so hard to sing a new hymn. It is very, very hard. I have some ups and some downs. The downs are, unfortunately, very low - very, very low. I'm hanging on to what I can - threads, at times. The darkness can be so dark, and the pit so very deep, it is hard to come up for air. When something drags me down it is very hard to recover. I wish I had a great support network. I have Darrin and my therapist, and that's really it. I miss my family, but all they wanted to do was tell me to stop talking about things, to bury them deep. How does an infection heal when you just cover it up and let it fester inside you?

I'm lonely.



Source of all we hope or dread
Sheepdog, jackal, rattler, swan
We hunt your face and long to trust
That your hid mouth will say again
Let there be light
A clear new day

But when we thirst in this dry night
We drink from hot wells poisoned with the blood of children
And when we strain to hear a steady homing beam
Our ears are balked by stifled moans
And howls of desolation from the throats of sisters, brothers, wild men
Clawing at the gates for bread

Even our own feeble hands
Ache to seize the crown you wear
And work our private havoc through
The known and unknown lands of space

Absolute in flame beyond us
Seed and source of Dark and Day
Maker whom we beg to be
Our mother father comrade mate

'Til our few atoms blow to dust
Or form again in wiser lives
Or find your face and hear our name
In your calm voice the end of night
If dark may end
Wellspring goal of Dark and Day

Be here
Be now

What Would You Say to Cancer?

59th Street Bridge Song

Don'tcha just love Simon and Garfunkel?

For JWB on his 9th birthday - my baby boy

This morning, because I had mistakenly told him he was born around 7am, my little one came bounding in and jumped in bed between Darrin and me. "I'm late guys! Sorry! I slept a little late!" he said with sleep still in his beautiful newly 9-year-old boy voice. LATE??? What was he thinking?????? This kid has an agenda, you've got to know. He has plans. You may never know what his plans are, but you must always know there IS a plan, and you must always be aware that you will become aware of the plan at some point!

Evidently, the plan was that he would come in and be with us at the exact moment of the anniversary of his appointed arrival into this world. He seems to have made a plan to celebrate his exact moment of birth by snuggling in our bed with his mom and dad. What a kid! I mean, seriously, WHAT A KID!!! I could only be slightly annoyed at being woken from my cozy slumber. After all, it was his birthday, and his exuberance and sweet innocence could never possibly be matched.

I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and pulled out his birth certificate. Turns out I had his exact time of birth mixed up with one of his sisters'. He was born at exactly 8:36am, MST. So we all snuggled back into bed, having not missed the precise moment of celebration, and discussed how he came out of his momma's tummy a la Superman - with one arm reaching out into the world in front of him, so he caused me undo agony as I had to deliver his shoulder at the same time as his head (he did say he was sorry!), and how I had no idea I could scream with such volume. We talked about how excited we were, and how excited his sisters were to meet him. We talked about everything, and then the moment came and went, and we hugged and kissed, and of course I cried.

My baby boy is 9 years old now, and I'll never get another. I treasure each and every moment I get with my 3 kids. They're amazing.

a little music for today - for my mom

No imbedding allowed, so follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj06SgTgWWs

And again on this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_6uCovdy5M

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I've been wanting so badly to recapture some of my childhood, since I have so very little memory of it. I remember almost nothing good from when I was a kid. I have a terrible fear that if I remember the good, I'll remember more bad. I think I'm willing to take the chance, though. I'll take the bad, just to have a glimpse of the good. I want it so badly.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - For DSB My only love

My sisters and I used to go watch this movie over and over at the dollar theater. We would just weep and weep. We would just bring a box of tissue and cry . . . now I don't have any sisters left.

Now I have my husband, and he is truly the wind beneath my wings. He is the reason I am here to write today, rather than moldering beneath the ground. He and my kids give my life reason and purpose. I wake up in the morning and get out of bed because I know I will be with them. They are the wind beneath my wings, my everything, my breathing out and breathing in.



It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way,
you always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name -- for so long,
a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing with out you.

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and ev'rything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away,
you let me fly so high.
Oh, fly, fly,
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,
the wind beneath my wings.

The Secret O' Life

I'm just so mellow and happy tonight, enjoying my sweet family. We had a walk over to the neighbors' house to water their garden while they're on vacation. It turned into a big water fight and everyone was drenched, of course. It made me so happy, and reminiscent of the time when we owned our own home and had a big yard and we were footloose and fancy free. Perspective is such a funny thing, really, because I didn't realize how great things were then, but looking back, I long for that time. I would grab hold of it and never let go if I could.

But here I am now, and the secret o' life is enjoying the passage of time . . .

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

It won't be easy.
You'll think it's strange
when I try to explain how I feel,
that I still need your love
after all that I've done.

You won't believe me.
All you will see
is a girl you once knew,
although she's dressed up to the nines,
it's sixes and sevens with you.

I had to let it happen.
I had to change.
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel,
Looking out of the window
staying out of the sun.

So I chose freedom -
running around, trying everything new,
but nothing impressed me at all.
I never expected it to.

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you.
All through my wild days, my mad existence,
I kept my promise, don't keep your distance.

And as for fortune and as for fame,
I never invited them in.
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired.
They are illusions,
they are not the solutions they promised to be.
The answer was here all the time.

I love you, and hope you love me.

Don't cry for me Argentina. . . .

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you.
All through my wild days, my mad existence,
I kept my promise, don't keep your distance.

Have I said to much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.

But all you have to do
is look at me to see that every word is true!

I am a barometer

It is true. Due to the fact of my fibromyalgia, I can predict with a fair amount of accuracy, the barometric pressure. I woke up this morning knowing that we would have a storm today. Sure enough, the forecast is calling for thunder storms. Isn't that nice? No. But whatever. So in honor of this gift, today's song is "I am a . . ."

Candle in the Wind

So, I've had a few really bad weeks. Bad with a capital B. Bad like Michael Jackson-type bad. Bad like Walter Cronkite bad. Bad like my brother raping me when I was little bad. Bad like my family abandoning me in my hour of greatest need bad. Bad like my bishop telling me "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH" bad (I know, it isn't his church, it's HIS church.)

I tried to kill myself. I downed half a bottle of this or that, and got in a really hot shower and waited for it to come. I was so calm and I felt really good. I just waited. What would come? I don't know what I expected, exactly, but it wasn't the ambulance and the police that my husband called up. They saved me. That was Tuesday.

Things kept getting worse.

By Saturday, although I had promised I wouldn't try again, I just couldn't see any reason stay, so I gulped down another half bottle of something else, and waited. This one was very different, and there were all these colored lights, and my breathing was scary. I knew I was dying, and I didn't want to hurt my kids, so I told Darrin and we went to the ER. All I could think of was what it would do to my kids. I just couldn't do that to them.

I love Tom so much, but he did that to his kids. He hurt them so bad. I couldn't do that to them. I've seen how it has hurt them, and I won't do that to my kids. I guess that's one good thing that came from his death. Funny, because I've been trying to kill myself since I was 13 years old, way before Tom ever did, but his death was what kept me from killing myself. My kids kept me here, when nothing else could. I could live for them, when I could live for nothing else.

My beautiful kids. I'll always live for them.

So I spent about a week in rehab, by my own choice. I met some really amazing people, and I am forever changed.

God forgive me, I've made mistakes. I'm human. But I won't continue to make those same mistakes and pretend I haven't made them. I'm honest with myself and with everyone else about my mistakes. I live on by the grace of God, and I know I am forgiven because of the great atonement of Jesus Christ. He has borne my burdens, and lifted my soul from the depths where I have not been able to recover it on my own.

This is the version of Candle in the Wind that Elton John sang for Princess Diana's funeral. It was so lovely. The lyrics are a little different, so I've placed them after the vid.



Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
You called out to our country
And you whispered to those in pain
Now you belong to heaven
And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Loveliness we've lost
These empty days without your smile
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child
And even though we try
The truth brings us to tears
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye England's rose
From a country lost without your soul
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And you footsteps will always follow you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will

For my Cairo, who is hurting so badly

This is our Cairo, our beautiful greyhound, who we adopted and rescued from a racetrack in Colorado a little over 2 years ago. She is an absolute angel, and still a puppy in many ways, although she is nearly 7 years old. Yesterday, she began to suffer from horrible bouts of paralysis, yelping and crying out in pain whenever she would try to move. We took her to the ignorant veterinarian in Price, and he charged us $65 for watching her walk down the sidewalk and shoving a pill for parasites down her throat.

Today, she was much worse. We took her to a veterinarian in Salt Lake that we knew understood greyhounds. Greys have very special anatomy, with larger hearts and lungs, and even different blood composition. Most vets don't know a thing about greys. The doc we took her to today knew his stuff. He took blood to check for tick-borne diseases, sedated her to get comprehensive x-rays, and $750 later, we found out that our sweet baby girl has horrible degenerative disc disease down her entire spine, and horrible degenerative lung disease. All of this comes from abuse at the track during her racing days.

Please watch the following video. Never go to a dog racing track, or bet on a race. If you do, you are torturing and killing innocent animals like my sweet and innocent Cairo.