In Repair

I'm in repair.

For the most part, I have no memory of my childhood, until Jr. High. The memories I've had of my childhood prior to that have not been pleasant, with rare exception. I did have a memory of my mom, singing lullabies to me, holding me, consoling me. That has always been dear to me, because it has been one of my only sweet memories from childhood.

I had a memory today. It was nice. When I was a kid, they invented icees, or what we now call slurpies, because 7-11 capitalized on it too. KMart set up a little snack stand in the front of the store, and you could get popcorn and icees there. Sometimes my mom would treat me to an icee and popcorn. I remembered that today. It made me feel happy. I also remembered a funny thing about KMart, that they used to have a full-on cafeteria in the back of the store, something more like a sit-down diner. I remember my mom taking me there once or twice. These memories came to me today. It made me cry.

You can't imagine how starved I've been for fond memories. Living a life with only bitter memories has made me such an angry person, full of rage. I've masked it all so nicely with my humor, and being rebellious. My family treated me as the black sheep and I was the scapegoat, which only created more bad memories. It all stemmed, essentially, from the horrible, dirty secret of incest, that I kept for 30 years. My oldest brother brutally molested me, raped me, and then proceeded to torment me for the rest of my life, always mocking me and manipulating me. Recently I told. No more secrets. No more rage. No more lies. The truth is what it is.

The memory of what he did to me lay buried in me for years and years, and then crawled out of the recesses of my mind and revealed itself to me, to my utter horror, and eventually, to my relief. So much is explained, and I am finding peace. Interestingly, as I find peace, I am surprised to find good memories, like the icees at KMart with my mom. They seem to be freed up as the ugliness leaves me, as if a layer of bad is swept away, uncovering a layer of good. I have hopes that one day I will have a memory of the good in my childhood.

My brother has robbed me of so much for so long, but I am taking my life back. He has no more control over me. He is a selfish bastard with no concern for anyone but himself. I do not wish him anything but the harvest he has sewn. And I pity him for that, but I'm afraid that is what we all earn in the end.

As for me, I'm in repair.



Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there