In Repair

I'm in repair.

For the most part, I have no memory of my childhood, until Jr. High. The memories I've had of my childhood prior to that have not been pleasant, with rare exception. I did have a memory of my mom, singing lullabies to me, holding me, consoling me. That has always been dear to me, because it has been one of my only sweet memories from childhood.

I had a memory today. It was nice. When I was a kid, they invented icees, or what we now call slurpies, because 7-11 capitalized on it too. KMart set up a little snack stand in the front of the store, and you could get popcorn and icees there. Sometimes my mom would treat me to an icee and popcorn. I remembered that today. It made me feel happy. I also remembered a funny thing about KMart, that they used to have a full-on cafeteria in the back of the store, something more like a sit-down diner. I remember my mom taking me there once or twice. These memories came to me today. It made me cry.

You can't imagine how starved I've been for fond memories. Living a life with only bitter memories has made me such an angry person, full of rage. I've masked it all so nicely with my humor, and being rebellious. My family treated me as the black sheep and I was the scapegoat, which only created more bad memories. It all stemmed, essentially, from the horrible, dirty secret of incest, that I kept for 30 years. My oldest brother brutally molested me, raped me, and then proceeded to torment me for the rest of my life, always mocking me and manipulating me. Recently I told. No more secrets. No more rage. No more lies. The truth is what it is.

The memory of what he did to me lay buried in me for years and years, and then crawled out of the recesses of my mind and revealed itself to me, to my utter horror, and eventually, to my relief. So much is explained, and I am finding peace. Interestingly, as I find peace, I am surprised to find good memories, like the icees at KMart with my mom. They seem to be freed up as the ugliness leaves me, as if a layer of bad is swept away, uncovering a layer of good. I have hopes that one day I will have a memory of the good in my childhood.

My brother has robbed me of so much for so long, but I am taking my life back. He has no more control over me. He is a selfish bastard with no concern for anyone but himself. I do not wish him anything but the harvest he has sewn. And I pity him for that, but I'm afraid that is what we all earn in the end.

As for me, I'm in repair.



Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

Penelope's Song

Now that the time has come
Soon gone is the day
There upon some distant shore
You'll hear me say

Long as the day in the summer time
Deep as the wine-dark sea
I'll keep your heart with mine
Till you come to me

There like a bird I'd fly
High through the air
Reaching for the sun's full rays
Only to find you there

And in the night when our dreams are still
Or when the wind calls free
I'll keep your heart with mine
Till you come to me

Now that the time has come
Soon gone is the day
There upon some distant shore
You'll hear me say

Long as the day in the summer time
Deep as the wine-dark sea
I'll keep your heart with mine.
Till you come to me

Loreena McKennitt's commentary on the song:

"Penelope's Song" is a piece of music that I wrote inspired from a few different travels and experiences. Certainly the one that comes to mind was a week that I spent in May of 2005 on the Greek island of Chios, which is not far actually from the Turkish mainland. And I stayed in this beautiful bed and breakfast in this compound. There was an orange orchard in my -- my residence was actually like a garden hut at the far end of this orange orchard. And because it was May, all the orange blossoms were out -- I'd walk through this stunning environment and smell this gorgeous aroma of these orange blossoms. And during that week I listened to an audio recording of Homer's Odyssey which one certainly could consider as one of the most significant travel narratives of history. And it got me thinking about, once again, this business of travelling, this business of journeying and the experiences that one encounters when one is travelling but also the fact that in many circumstances over the course of human history, yes, there have been people who have left and there have also been people who've been left behind. And I wanted to create a song from the perspective of the individual or individuals that were left behind. And it is a story that certainly is universal in its theme, that when I think of some of Irish history and the time during the famine, and there were people that emigrated to, let's say, Canada or the United States on these horrible coffin ships. And that there were families that were also left behind and their loved ones would be heading over to the New World. And you can't help but think of those, there have been people who have left their loved ones for all kinds of circumstances. And the pain of seeing them go off and not knowing if they'll ever return. So I wanted to create a song that captured some essence of that sentiment, of waiting for your loved ones to return. And "Penelope's Song" was a gesture towards this.

Stop this Train

This song makes me giggle for some reason, maybe a little hysteria. Maybe a little too familiar. Who can say?

The Heart of Life

First saw this on an airplane, cruising the friendly skies with my beloved. We held hands and smiled at one another. Good memories. Man, I love my husband. I just fall in love with him all over again every day, deeper and deeper. What could be better?

Shower the People

One of the sexiest men alive (other than Darrin, of course) singing one of the world's sweetest tunes. Amaaaaazing backups, I'm telling you! Darrin and I saw this performed just like this in 1992, our first date. I'm just loving my friends today . . .

Poems, Prayers and Promises - For old friends made new

I Will Remember You

In the Arms of an Angel - for Memorial Day

Song For Sienna

Well, I was looking for some lovely music to post with some sentiment I'm feeling right now, lovely music for lovely sentiment. I'm just thinking of my sweet family, and how deeply blessed I am. My children are amazing, just truly amazing. They are sweet and caring and are so influential in my life. They cause me to be a better person every day by their unassuming and Christlike examples. They are goodness embodied. And then, of course, there is my dearest Darrin, without whom I would not be the woman I am. He makes me strong, and sensitive and all that I am at once, without ever saying a word. I love my family. I live for them, and my life is what it is because of them. 20 years ago I could never have imagined the richness that fills my life. In all my dreams I could never have hoped for such joy. Surely I must be the most charmed and blessed person ever.

Clair de lune

I find this one of the most sensual pieces of music ever written. It is so sweet and seductive and beautiful, like the first and last kiss with your true love, the love of your life. Play this at my funeral, for me, please (not that I'm going anywhere, anytime soon.)

Little Bird

Annie Lennox - she's timeless, isn't she? I've loved her since I was my kids' ages! She's amazing and as beautiful as ever. Here's a more recent song that moves me the way she did when I was a kid:



I look up to the little bird
That glides across the sky
He sings the clearest melody
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to sit right down
and cry cry cry, yeah.

I walk along the city streets
So dark with rage and fear
And I...
I wish that I could be that bird
And fly away from here
I wish I had the wings to fly away from here, yeah.

But Mamma I feel so low
Mamma where do I go?
Mamma what do I know?
Mamma we reap what we sow

They always said that you knew best
But this little bird's fallen out of that nest now
I've got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I've just got to put these wings to test

For I am just a troubled soul
Who's weighted, weighted to the ground
Give me the strength to carry on
Till I can lay my burden down

Give me the strength to lay this burden down
down down yeah
Give me the strength to lay it down
Lay it down, Lay it down.

But Mamma I feel so low
Mamma where do I go?
Mamma what do I know?
Mamma we reap what we sow.

They always said that you knew best
But this little bird's fallen out of that nest now
I've got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I've just got to put these wings to test

I feel so low
Mamma where do I go?
Mamma what do I know?
Mamma we reap what we sow.

Let tell you one more time...

The Highwayman

Alfred Noyes (1880-1958)

The Highwayman

PART ONE

I

THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

II

He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

III

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

IV

And dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's red-lipped daughter,
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say—

V

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

VI

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonliglt, and galloped away to the West.



PART TWO

I

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
And out o' the tawny sunset, before the rise o' the moon,
When the road was a gypsy's ribbon, looping the purple moor,
A red-coat troop came marching—
Marching—marching—
King George's men came matching, up to the old inn-door.

II

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
There was death at every window;
And hell at one dark window;
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

III

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They had bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now, keep good watch!" and they kissed her.
She heard the dead man say—
Look for me by moonlight;
Watch for me by moonlight;
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

IV

She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

V

The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
For the road lay bare in the moonlight;
Blank and bare in the moonlight;
And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love's refrain .

VI

Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;
Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding,
Riding, riding!
The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up, straight and still!

VII

Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight,
Her musket shattered the moonlight,
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him—with her death.

VIII

He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

IX

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
When they shot him down on the highway,
Down like a dog on the highway,
And he lay in his blood on the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.

* * * * * *

X

And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
A highwayman comes riding—
Riding—riding—
A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

XI

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard;
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Bridge Over Troubled Water - For my friends

Dawn

Daughters

I'm a survivor of incest. My oldest brother raped me. This song makes me so sad, but it also makes me happy, because someone out there cares. I come from a large family, and many in my family have pretty much just dumped me, once I revealed the ugly truth. Nobody wants to admit that kind of ugliness exists so close to home, right? I get it. But my own parents have the hardest time, and have called me a liar. I'm not a liar. I'm sad and lonely, and I miss my family, but I'm not a liar.

This is a good song.



For anyone out there who is hurting and lonely, for those of you who want to cry when you listen to this song - you have a friend in me. You aren't alone. Be strong. You're a survivor. That says so much about you. Stand tall and be proud of who you are. I love you.

Darrin's Song

He's Home!!!

Darrin is home today!

Nothing could be better!

I can't even think of any music good enough to suit the moment.

I'll get something up a little later.

When Tomorrow Comes

Hopefully, tomorrow will be the day for Darrin to come home!



Underneath your dreamlit eyes
Shades of sleep have driven you away.
The moon is pale outside
And you are far from here.
Breathing shifts your careless head
Untroubled by the chaos of our lives.
Another day - another night
Has taken you again my dear.

And you know that I'm gonna be the one
Who'll be there
When you need someone to depend upon
When tomorrow comes...
When tomorrow comes...

Wait till tomorrow comes - yea yea...
Wait till tomorrow comes - yea yea...

Last night while you were
Lying in my arms
And I was wondering where you were
You know you looked just like a baby
Fast asleep in this dangerous world.
Every star was shining brightly
Just like a million years before.
And we were feeling very small
Underneath the universe.

And you know that I'm gonna be the one
Who'll be there when you need
Someone to depend upon
When tomorrow comes...
When tomorrow comes...

I can't wait 'til tomorrow comes baby!

I wanna be with you
When tomorrow comes!

Two Cents

It was late on the first evening at the second hospital. I had not eaten that day, and Darrin had not eaten much. He had not been able to eat any of the dinner they had brought him, due to nausea. I was not actually hungry, as much as my body was screaming out a need for some protein. I found my way to the only place open in Utah County on a Sunday night - the hospital cafe, not the full-scale cafeteria, just a little greasy spoon-type grill. It would do. I was determined to find Darrin some protein too, something basic I knew he would eat, and this type of place was his type of place, unfortunately! LOL

So I chose a cheeseburger for the protein, and some simple chicken strips for him, like my kids would choose, again for the protein, but also for the flavor, because I knew he wouldn't reject them, as he had the bland hospital food. I even got some fries, just thinking he might go a step further. That was a silly hope, and I would never eat them myself. I dug into my jeans pocket and pulled out some cash and change, and was 2 cents short. "Oh, rats!" I said. "I'm 2 cents short!" It was no big deal. I had a $20 in my other pocket. I had gotten some cash back when I put gas in the car on the way over the mountain earlier. I considered canceling the fries, but then started shifting things in my hands to reach for my other pocket.

There was a scruffy looking woman standing behind me, waiting for her order to come up. "No problem," she said way too loudly, and very jovially. "I've got it!" She was already reaching for her purse as I started to object. She was not particularly clean, and the man she was with was playing with a young child too roughly. I had been observing them as they ordered and had had already judged them rather harshly. They were not people I would readily associate with, I assessed, without admitting it to myself - that would be judgmental, of course.

But she would hear nothing of my protests, and I never even got as far as explaining that I had money in my other pocket. "I've got some change right here!" She exclaimed loudly. "See? And besides, I owe at least 2 cents! Last week I was homeless, and some stranger went out of their way to find me a home! Now I have a roof over my head! So you take my two cents, ok?"

My breath caught in my throat. I smiled warmly at her and put out my hand for the two cents. "Thank you", I said, "That is so kind of you."

"This way, someone did something nice for me, and I'm doing something nice for you. Maybe you'll be able to do something nice for someone else!" she mused. And then we both looked each other in the eye and said in unison "Kind of like 'Pay It Forward'"! We laughed together, and shared a smile.

As I reached across the cash register to pay the 2 cents, I noticed a little cup of spare change for people who were short of change. It held well over the amount I was short. I smiled again. I felt strangely pleased that I had not seen that cup before. I felt my heart so warmed by my strange encounter with my 2 cents debtor, this woman I had judged so falsely, who had taught me so much.

My Sweet Darrin

Darrin lost consciousness and I got him to the hospital immediately. I found out later that he had nearly died.

Several years ago, I had a brush with death that took me from Darrin's reach, much in the way this bout with his health has nearly taken Darrin from me. At that point, this became our song.



Lady, are you crying, do the tears belong to me
Did you think our time together was all gone
Lady, youve been dreaming, Im as close as I can be
I swear to you our time has just begun

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind
I promise I will stay right here beside you
Today our lives were joined, became entwined
I wish you could know how much I love you

Lady, are you happy, do you feel the way I do
Are there meanings that youve never seen before
Lady, my sweet lady, I just cant believe its true
And its like Ive never ever loved before

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind
I promise I will stay right here beside you
Today our lives were joined, became entwined
I wish you could know how much I love you

Lady, are you crying, do the tears belong to me
Did you think our time together was all gone
Lady, my sweet lady, Im as close as I can be
I swear to you our time has just begun

Update

Darrin is still in the hospital. The doctor had said he might come home today, but he developed a new symptom yesterday. We'll wait it out. On Sunday he was moved to a different hospital, and hour and half away. I can't be there and here at once. I wish I could just teleport myself - like this:

I miss him so much.

Darrin

Darrin has systemic sepsis. He has everything wrong. It turns out it all may be caused by strep, which morphed into scarlet fever. We didn't even know he had strep.

He is in just horrible shape.

He is my everything.

I must sleep.

You are the Sunshine of my Life

Prayers for Darrin

Darrin is very sick.

He lost consciousness tonight, and after he regained consciousness I took him right to the hospital. They did a complete blood panel, and while waiting on that, they hooked him up to all kinds of monitors. His blood pressure was 90/30. He was near to death. When the blood tests came back, they showed that everything possible was messed up. His kidneys, liver, heart, etc., are all doing things they should not. He has mild hepatitis for no known reason, and his kidneys are failing. He is currently in the ICU and is receiving excellent care.

I am scared.

He is my whole world.

Please pray for him.

Ruth

Everybody Hurts

Dante's Prayer

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me

Ode to Joy

Danny Boy