Fix You

It was a year ago that I tried to kill myself. This is a very difficult month for me. I wish July would just go away. My emotions are so full, I find myself crying often, and feeling alone a great deal. My little family is very dear to me. Darrin is precious. I know that the Lord cradles me close. I feel the Savior's presence often. Even with these blessings, this is a trying time.

Leah had surgery on Wednesday of this week, and Tori will have surgery on Wednesday of next week. It seems almost as if these things have come at this time to occupy my mind so I will have less time to think of myself. I suppose I should be grateful for the timing, and yet I just can't find any way to be grateful for my children's suffering. I want them better now. I want to fix them and make them better now. I would take their pain and keep it for myself if I could . . .



When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Grandpa Norris

Last night we went to see a delightful fireworks show. It was a real humdinger, I tell ya! Out of the blue, in the middle of the show, I was struck by the strongest feeling that my Grandpa Norris was there. I could feel him all around me. I kept thinking how this was just the thing he would have really loved. The music was loud, and I was singing along, just like he would have. He used to "deedle-deedle-dee" and hum along to things that had no words and he would bounce me on his knee like a grandpa does. He was so sweet and affectionate. Oh, how I loved him!

I found myself crying in the middle of the fireworks, big tears rolling down my cheeks, I missed him so much. It was so emotional!

Grandpa was made of joy and love and all good things. He knew how to take every moment, even the ones filled with sorrow, and find the good. He taught me how to be happy in spite of the bad things that come along, to find humor in the pain, and I'll be forever grateful to him for that.

I love you, grandpa, and I miss you every day! Thank you for the joy you've given me.

This song reminds me of grandpa: