Bye Bye Miss American Pie - What a song. This is the song for today. THIS is a link to an interesting analysis of the song itself. It talks about the breakdown and disillusionment of America - a sort of loss of innocence.
It makes me think of Elizabeth Smart. Only, she somehow managed to stay whole and good and pure. Surely not innocent, but everything else. What a good kid.
You know, my heart was, and still is, hers. I can scarcely think of her without crying. She was all at once everyone's child, everyone's beloved and precious daughter. She was mine, and I wept so many tears over her. The day she was found, I screamed and cried - "SHE'S HOME!!!" into the phone to Darrin, as if she had been our daughter. At that moment, she might have been. She might as well have been. She was everyone's dreams and hopes and belief for the children of our world. She was the fair-haired child in all our hearts - gone, gone, gone . . . and then suddenly, impossibly - HOME! How could it be?
And now, she is beautiful, and perfect and whole. She is a woman now. She is going on a mission. She is faithful and sweet and wants to serve the Lord. God bless her, and may he cradle her in his arms forever.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
For my love - A little fall of rain . . .
Soooo . . . funny thing, no music in this blog. I really tried hard to find the right clip to post here, and I actually found it, but it didn't allow embedding. Here's the link. It's from a Norwegian production of Les Miserables, and although the dialogue is in Norwegian and you can't understand it, you get the gist. It's actually the most lovely rendition of this piece I think I've ever seen - perhaps not musically speaking. I think Norwegian isn't necessarily the most beautiful language I've ever heard sung and neither of the singers are extraordinary in their own right, but they both are very good actors. The guy playing Marius, in particular, is so sweet. The way he so tenderly kisses and caresses Eponine is so loving and moving, it literally made me cry to watch it.
So, Darrin, this one is for you today. I hope you'll click on the link and watch it. You know I love you. We've certainly had our fall of rain, haven't we? I think it must be about time for us to watch the flowers grow, my sweet. Let's hold hands and stick together, and see if some rainbows don't crop up around us, shall we? I'm positive there must be some lovely meadows full of flowers just over that next hill. I can almost smell them, can't you?
So, Darrin, this one is for you today. I hope you'll click on the link and watch it. You know I love you. We've certainly had our fall of rain, haven't we? I think it must be about time for us to watch the flowers grow, my sweet. Let's hold hands and stick together, and see if some rainbows don't crop up around us, shall we? I'm positive there must be some lovely meadows full of flowers just over that next hill. I can almost smell them, can't you?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
You are My Sunshine
For my sunshines - Tori, Leah, and Jared -
You guys make my gray skies sunny again.
You guys make my gray skies sunny again.
A post-9/11 post
I know I didn't post on 9/11. I'm sorry. I couldn't. You see, 8 years later, I still can't.
I know we all remember. I know we all recall exactly where we were when we found out, where we were when IT happened. But I still haven't let go.
You see, my sweet, broken hearted brother had just committed suicide a month before. I was still reeling from losing him. I had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, or at least, you could say that it was big enough to fly three or four large commercial jets through. And then the worst horror of my life occurred on that beautiful, clear morning on the eleventh of September, 2001. I was lost.
I remember that I had been out for a walk with my friend Melinda. How clever we felt to be out getting fit. The sky was as blue as it could possibly have been. It was early, and I had left Darrin in the shower and the kids sleeping. I would be quick, and back before he left for work, and then I would get Tori ready for school. I said goodbye to Melinda at the corner, and skipped up the stairs and into the house, to find Darrin standing in front of the tv. The first plane had hit. I ran to the door and called Melinda back. She came running in. We quickly agreed it had to be an accident. She left, and ran home to her family. Darrin had to go to work. Goodbye. I love you.
Then the second plane hit. I fell to the floor right there in the living room, in front of the tv. I stiffled a scream. The babies, MY babies were sleeping. I wept in silence. I called Darrin on his cell phone when I thought he would have driven far enough to have reception. He had heard on the radio. There was no way it was an accident, we agreed. We prayed together. The kids were waking up. What should I do? I turned on their shows in the living room, and turned on the tv in my room. Of course it would be the news on almost every channel. Thank goodness for Disney. The kids could be safe while I watched in silent horror.
Everything moved in such slow motion, and yet everything happened at once. I still don't understand how it happened. I was holding the phone to my face, the door to our bedroom was closed, while I spoke quietly and rapidly to Darrin. I watched the tv, giving him minute-by-minute commentary of what the tv people were saying. And then it happened. I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't voice it. What was happening??? And then I was screaming, and I was on the floor again . . . "It's falling!!! It's falling!!! One of the buildings is just falling! NOOOOOO!!!! It's just gone! There's nothing left! It's just gone!!! Where did it gooooo???? NOOOOOOO!!! All those people!!! . . ." And Darrin was asking over and over again "What? What are you saying??? What's happening?????" And all I could do was sob in answer.
Finally I calmed down enough to speak through my sobs. I explained what I could. He heard the rest on the radio. Finally we hung up. It was unimaginable. Nothing like this could happen on American soil. We were safe! We were strong! We demanded respect from the world! Who would dare do this to us? My mind was reeling. And still I watched. The news media was wild with all the questions my mind could imagine.
And then the unimaginable happened again. This time I was sitting when it happened, and I jumped to my feet, already dialing Darrin. Before he could speak, I was screaming into the phone again. "It's happening again. The other tower is falling! It's just like before! . . ." And then the news of the Pentagon, and then the news of the other plane . . . Darrin came home. What else was there? The roads were empty, he said. Everyone was home.
The skies were empty. They were empty for days. I remember the first plane that flew over our home. I cringed, and then I cried.
When George Bush declared a day of rememberance, the Friday following 9/11, I organized a candlelight vigil in our town. The idea came to me just on a whim. I put the word out on the internet, I made phone calls, I ran to neighbors and had them make phone calls. I didn't know if anyone would come, but I told everyone to come and bring candles, and come prepared to say something if they wanted to. I wanted them to just come. We needed to be together, to be ONE, to cry together, to hug, to heal a little if we could, to feel the safety of togetherness. I needed it, so I knew others would too. So I just said "COME!", and I waited to see if they would. We met at twilight, at the firestation, around the flagpole. The flag was at half mast. As my little family and I stood together there, what I saw was amazing and wonderful. It was just like the scene at the end of Field of Dreams - cars streaming down Eagle Mountain Blvd. toward the firestation. You could see their headlights coming and coming in the distance. I just cried again (I was doing a lot of that.) It was dark by the time we were all assembled. Someone had thought to bring a microphone, thankfully, because so many had come. I thanked everyone for coming out. We sang a patriotic song, and then people who wanted to make remarks did so. Some were simple, some were just so profound I'll never forget them. We sang our national anthem - so loud and so proud! It was the most beautiful and moving thing I've ever been a part of! And then we started with one little flame, and passed the flame throughout the crowd of hundreds until every candle was lit, and had a moment of silence for our brothers and sisters who had fallen in terror and in service, and for those who were mourning their loss.
I weep for them still.
I will never, ever forget.
I know we all remember. I know we all recall exactly where we were when we found out, where we were when IT happened. But I still haven't let go.
You see, my sweet, broken hearted brother had just committed suicide a month before. I was still reeling from losing him. I had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, or at least, you could say that it was big enough to fly three or four large commercial jets through. And then the worst horror of my life occurred on that beautiful, clear morning on the eleventh of September, 2001. I was lost.
I remember that I had been out for a walk with my friend Melinda. How clever we felt to be out getting fit. The sky was as blue as it could possibly have been. It was early, and I had left Darrin in the shower and the kids sleeping. I would be quick, and back before he left for work, and then I would get Tori ready for school. I said goodbye to Melinda at the corner, and skipped up the stairs and into the house, to find Darrin standing in front of the tv. The first plane had hit. I ran to the door and called Melinda back. She came running in. We quickly agreed it had to be an accident. She left, and ran home to her family. Darrin had to go to work. Goodbye. I love you.
Then the second plane hit. I fell to the floor right there in the living room, in front of the tv. I stiffled a scream. The babies, MY babies were sleeping. I wept in silence. I called Darrin on his cell phone when I thought he would have driven far enough to have reception. He had heard on the radio. There was no way it was an accident, we agreed. We prayed together. The kids were waking up. What should I do? I turned on their shows in the living room, and turned on the tv in my room. Of course it would be the news on almost every channel. Thank goodness for Disney. The kids could be safe while I watched in silent horror.
Everything moved in such slow motion, and yet everything happened at once. I still don't understand how it happened. I was holding the phone to my face, the door to our bedroom was closed, while I spoke quietly and rapidly to Darrin. I watched the tv, giving him minute-by-minute commentary of what the tv people were saying. And then it happened. I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't voice it. What was happening??? And then I was screaming, and I was on the floor again . . . "It's falling!!! It's falling!!! One of the buildings is just falling! NOOOOOO!!!! It's just gone! There's nothing left! It's just gone!!! Where did it gooooo???? NOOOOOOO!!! All those people!!! . . ." And Darrin was asking over and over again "What? What are you saying??? What's happening?????" And all I could do was sob in answer.
Finally I calmed down enough to speak through my sobs. I explained what I could. He heard the rest on the radio. Finally we hung up. It was unimaginable. Nothing like this could happen on American soil. We were safe! We were strong! We demanded respect from the world! Who would dare do this to us? My mind was reeling. And still I watched. The news media was wild with all the questions my mind could imagine.
And then the unimaginable happened again. This time I was sitting when it happened, and I jumped to my feet, already dialing Darrin. Before he could speak, I was screaming into the phone again. "It's happening again. The other tower is falling! It's just like before! . . ." And then the news of the Pentagon, and then the news of the other plane . . . Darrin came home. What else was there? The roads were empty, he said. Everyone was home.
The skies were empty. They were empty for days. I remember the first plane that flew over our home. I cringed, and then I cried.
When George Bush declared a day of rememberance, the Friday following 9/11, I organized a candlelight vigil in our town. The idea came to me just on a whim. I put the word out on the internet, I made phone calls, I ran to neighbors and had them make phone calls. I didn't know if anyone would come, but I told everyone to come and bring candles, and come prepared to say something if they wanted to. I wanted them to just come. We needed to be together, to be ONE, to cry together, to hug, to heal a little if we could, to feel the safety of togetherness. I needed it, so I knew others would too. So I just said "COME!", and I waited to see if they would. We met at twilight, at the firestation, around the flagpole. The flag was at half mast. As my little family and I stood together there, what I saw was amazing and wonderful. It was just like the scene at the end of Field of Dreams - cars streaming down Eagle Mountain Blvd. toward the firestation. You could see their headlights coming and coming in the distance. I just cried again (I was doing a lot of that.) It was dark by the time we were all assembled. Someone had thought to bring a microphone, thankfully, because so many had come. I thanked everyone for coming out. We sang a patriotic song, and then people who wanted to make remarks did so. Some were simple, some were just so profound I'll never forget them. We sang our national anthem - so loud and so proud! It was the most beautiful and moving thing I've ever been a part of! And then we started with one little flame, and passed the flame throughout the crowd of hundreds until every candle was lit, and had a moment of silence for our brothers and sisters who had fallen in terror and in service, and for those who were mourning their loss.
I weep for them still.
I will never, ever forget.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Her Diamonds
This is seriously just the sweetest song. It's by Rob Thomas, who wrote it for his wife, who suffers terribly from fibromyalgia. He talks about how frustrated he is that he can't do anything for her pain.
Darrin goes through this every night with me. I have such terrible fibromyalgia. It cripples me. I try everything I can to keep it at bay, but it just defeats me all the time, and all I can do is cry. I go to water aerobics four or five times a week, and work really hard so I can keep moving, but I still end up in bed half of the time. The pain is so unbearable. I try so hard to not take painkillers - nothing like ibuprofen or tylenol works, it has to be Lortab, and then it just takes my mind away. I lose so much memory, so much time with my sweetheart and my beautiful kids. All I want is for the pain to go, so I can just life my life, freely and without this pain.
But it's ok. If this is what I have to live with; if this is what it takes for me to get the moments of joy I get with Darrin and the kids, I'll take it. The joy outweighs the pain. It's all worth it.
Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what Im doin'
Like I don't know now
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Shell be all right
Shell be all right
Just not tonight
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
Darrin goes through this every night with me. I have such terrible fibromyalgia. It cripples me. I try everything I can to keep it at bay, but it just defeats me all the time, and all I can do is cry. I go to water aerobics four or five times a week, and work really hard so I can keep moving, but I still end up in bed half of the time. The pain is so unbearable. I try so hard to not take painkillers - nothing like ibuprofen or tylenol works, it has to be Lortab, and then it just takes my mind away. I lose so much memory, so much time with my sweetheart and my beautiful kids. All I want is for the pain to go, so I can just life my life, freely and without this pain.
But it's ok. If this is what I have to live with; if this is what it takes for me to get the moments of joy I get with Darrin and the kids, I'll take it. The joy outweighs the pain. It's all worth it.
Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what Im doin'
Like I don't know now
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what Im supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Shell be all right
Shell be all right
Just not tonight
And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
Shes down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down
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